Fill Your Vessel

There is no better place from which to blog than from one of the beach side beds at Desire—where we happen to be parked at this very moment. Professional bloggers? Absolutely…as long as we are constantly surrounded by naked people who inspire us to write!

Without fail, John and Allie from Swingercast have pulled together a great group—familiar friends and many more newly created. We also re-met many people who are not part of the group, but vacation here the same time every year. We’ve received some very sweet feedback on our writing, which always inspires more.

One friend commented on one of the most recent posts, Sexy Is as Sexy Does, and shared that it helped her overcome some of her own hang-ups and branch out. It’s easy to write about how to move beyond our self-limiting thoughts, but to do it takes real courage!

(one hour later) Ok, so one of the hazards of writing at Desire on the beach beds is the impromptu discussions. Ginger and I just had one of the best this week with Earl and Lynna, who are new(er) to the Lifestyle and on their first trip to Desire. They’re clearly in harmony with each other, they’re smart and have it together…just the kind of people we love chatting with. Ron and Melina the other day at lunch. Bill and Kiersten (who we have about a thousand open conversation threads to tidy up in the next couple of days). Joe and Kathy. John and Rickie. And many more to seek out and keep connecting.

So many of the conversations have touched on themes that inspire us…to look deeper. Reflecting on where we are and what we are continuing to create. What’s held us back and what other people seem to struggle with regularly.

Out of many of these discussions and observations we’re imparting a New Rule (in the vein of the comedian Bill Maher): Self-limiting thoughts must never get in the way of what (or who) you want. That is pretty nerdy. Let’s try this variation: If you find yourself wanting to be different and you don’t have the chance to fix it right then, you have to let it go or else it’ll inhibit you. Hmmm, better but still not very simple.

Criticism kills. That's something we can remember.

It kills your confidence if you’re critical of yourself. It kills the mood. It kills your connection with your partner. Left to fester, it kills relationships.

When you hang out with naked people all day, it’s easy to be critical, particularly of yourself. There is always somebody that has something that you may wish you had. Body type. Size. Et cetera. Sadly, we see that even when people have taken matter into their own hands, or entrusted a surgeon to “fix” this or that…sometimes, it doesn’t seem to make a difference. They could have the perfect body on paper but lack all the self-confidence to be sexy in it.

Sometimes those types of enhancements or high intervention changes can bring about an improvement in self-confidence or mindset. The trick is not to count on it. Owning exactly what your body is, in every iteration, knowing that your sexy is deep inside and shines through regardless of the vessel truly sets you free.

Some people like their vessels shaped one way, others like vessels of all shapes and sizes, but we can agree that if it’s empty, we will be thirsty no matter what.

The good news is that it is as easy to accept as it is to criticize. It is a choice and we have to remember that. Constantly remind ourselves of it. The choice to accept is empowering. It helps us fill up our vessels.

With no leaky insecurities, we have more confidence in sharing what interests and inspires us. We can engage and interact dynamically…interesting and spontaneous conversations can erupt anywhere. Like here on the beach. Speaking of which, here comes someone now. Gotta go.

Deep Thoughts From Vanilla Exile

Whoa! Serious vanilla overdose!

So Prof and I have worked in a little bit of fun here and there, including the new experience of Prof attending a party with another sexy friend while I was out of town. (More on that forthcoming.) Other than that, it has been all vanilla all the time. Oh, wait, there was one sexy night of a bit of exhibitionism, and although lovely, it was quite short-lived.

Okay, so maybe not all vanilla all the time, but certainly a drastic downshift from our regular social calendar.

As we have moved through this vanilla phase, I’ve realized just how busy an ethical non-monogamist’s life actually is. Even though we haven’t had the time to actively date, we are still building and maintaining relationships that mean something to us. Some are long-time friends we miss. Some are new budding relationships that have fantastic promise. And some are just fun messages from brand new hotties we haven’t met yet, but would love to find the time to meet.

Despite the fact that we haven’t been dating, we are still trying to keep up with all of these sexies and treat them all with respect and devote the time they deserve. And, you know what? It is a challenge. Now, don’t take this as whining. It is simply an observation. We so enjoy cultivating fascinating and hot relationships, but having to take this time to step back from the frantic fun provides some perspective.

There is indeed validity in the monogamists questioning how in the world we swing/open/poly types make it work! And add in families, professional work, hobbies and the other minutiae that occupy our time and it is crazy. In a world where half of the couples can’t even keep their primary relationships together, who the hell are we to have awesome primary relationships and go trolling for more?!

People debate the concept of ethical non-monogamy being a choice we make. Ahh well, when it comes down to it, Prof and I know it is simply how we are built. Individual people and discrete couples can decide for themselves how they roll. And we are all different, even within the swing/open/poly community everyone does it their own way. There are some, perhaps many, who know that they could easily choose to be monogamous. That’s cool. Whatever works for you…seriously awesome. Among other things, it will leave you with a lot more time on your hands to reappropriate.

What Prof and I have realized is that is not us. We are ethical non-monogamists inside and out. Could we choose to change our behavior and remain monogamous? Sure. Absolutely. We are strong-minded people. The difference is, if we did that, we would not truly be authentically ourselves. We would be trying to be people that we are not.

So here we are, in the midst of trying to cultivate and maintain rewarding, authentic and often sexy relationships, and it feels frenzied and sometimes we disappoint. But we do our best while being authentically who we are in all our imperfect, open-relationshippy glory.

We could certainly choose monogamy, but we choose to be ourselves totally and completely…our doing-the-best-we-can, ethically-nonmonogamous, ridiculously busy selves.

And it feels right.

The Shameless Walks of Shame

I suppose when you work at the front desk of a hotel you have likely seen a lot, especially on Saturday night. Well, Prof and I and some super sexy friends did our part in adding to the hotel front desk employees’ entertainment this past weekend.

We were very lucky to have been hosted on two consecutive nights by two crazy hot couples we met at Desire this year. They are actually friends with each other as well and are part of a group of friends who served as planning committee and erotic welcome wagon for us as we traveled to their fair city.

We looked forward to the visit with no expectations beyond that of delicious intellectual foreplay and the witty and flirty conversational attack, parry and riposte. Getting to cultivate relationships with friends we meet at Desire is so satisfying. It makes us realize that, although time spent at Desire can feel like traveling to another dimension, the relationships we start there are real and multidimensional when everyone wishes it to be so.

We enjoyed some truly spectacular sightseeing from the inside of two swank hotel rooms each night, thanks to these hottie locals!

On the first night, we were excited to meet up with our hottie local friends at a rocking rooftop bar. After what we all decided was one too many rounds of drinks to be patient through, we walked over to the next more exciting venue: the hotel. While waiting in the lobby to go up to the room, He and I were getting overly friendly. Prof was providing Her with moral support while she was checking us in. Of course, the desk staff doesn’t know who is attached to whom, but they certainly know that we are all four headed to the same room. I’m guessing the amorous behavior in the lobby may have been a tip off. Oh, and the fact we arrived with no luggage.

Being busy professionals, we all know the cost of time wasted, so, of course, the elevator ride was the logical beginning of an erotically eventful night. After taking in some sights of those locals, we all left together after checking in mere hours before. Upon departing, She was unabashed about checking out. I loved it, was so impressed and I took my cues from Her. With all of us still slightly disheveled and still revved on hormones, we availed ourselves of the rehydration station so thoughtfully provided in the lobby. Maybe we weren’t the first ones to use a room there for a few hours that night.

We parted ways on the sidewalk with delicious kisses and biddings of safe travel. It was only after we walked in our separate directions that I felt my face heat and blush. I couldn’t help but giddily squeal, “I can’t believe we made such a scene.” As always, Prof chuckled and said, “It didn’t seem to bother you while you were making out with Him.”

The next night we met the next contingent from the welcome wagon. They had already checked in before they met us in the lobby lounge. After drinks and excellent conversation, we adjourned to an adventurous dinner and then to the swing club. With so much heat in the atmosphere at the awesome club, it’s easy to allow the spark to catch. With that much erotic friction while dancing, the idea of having a place waiting where we could be alone became irresistible.

After an orgasmic cab ride, we stumbled and hugged our way to the elevator, making a scene with the photos to prove it. With our friends pulling out all the stops with their hosting efforts, we couldn’t help but be exceptionally comfortable while sightseeing that night. As time ran short for our friends, we halfheartedly helped them pack, as we didn’t want them to go.

Prof and I checked in with them and decided that we didn’t want to let all the erotic energy left in the room to simply dissipate, so we stayed for a while longer. That led to some kinky play and the loss of an earring. With the appropriate amount of damage done, it was time for us two make our second “walk of shame” of the weekend.

We couldn’t help but laugh as we saw each other arm-in-arm in the mirrors on our way out. We were well beyond salvaging. The sun was starting to peek out, so we figured if we were ever going to venture out looking like we did that was the perfect time to do so. The guy behind the desk did the twenty-first century equivalent of tipping his hat while we walked through the lobby.

We desperately and devilishly look forward to future shameless walks of shame with these incredible hotties! Desire, your fair city or you name the city…we are there!

So...where are you going?

As Prof and I are about to embark on what is officially the fourth sexy vacation of our open relationship, I'm reflecting on the experience and how it has evolved over the years. All three vacations so far have been rousing and arousing, crazy, wild days and nights full of non-stop fun, laughter and, of course, debauchery and hedonism.

We have met hotties on vacation that we still stay in touch with and get to, ahem, hang out with on occasion. And certainly, we make no secret about the fact that our fellow Swingercast groupies make pretty rocking Desire compatriots. After last year's trip we feel like we have the proverbial "girl in every port" except it might be a guy...or a couple...or couples. You get my drift. Regardless of which metropolitan area we might need to visit for business or pleasure, we are likely to be able to score a dinner date with fabulous local hosts.

Planning for this year's trip we feel like we are the seasoned, experienced members passing along helpful hints and calming the nerves of the newly naked. In preparing for the trip, even packing was an entertaining and fun experience itself. Gathering the teeny tiny bikinis, sheer sarongs, fetish wear, sex toys and naughty props is an integral part of the anticipation.

We will do our best to keep our clothes on until the doorstep of Desire. After that, any expectations of responsibility or moderation are frowned upon and generally misguided. We turn our attention to focusing on pleasure, making new friends, pleasure, catching up with old friends, pleasure, participating in all the craziness on the itinerary and some more pleasure.

I like to think of sexy vacations as returning to our natural habitat. Even though we do indulge in the occasional overnight dates throughout the year, having a week or longer to decompress and acclimate to our natural swinger schedule and activities without any other responsibilities is priceless.

This trip we are anticipating that it will be the smoothest and quickest transition yet into our swinger-in-the-wild behavior and mindset. It is truly comforting, as we have written about before, to enjoy a long stretch of nakedness and sexiness among likeminded friends. There is nothing to compare to the liberation of authentic and uncensored social and sexual experiences.

Over time the experience has evolved and it only seems to improve every trip. The one thing that hasn't changed is the delicate and skilled bob and weave of answering the inevitable question: "So...where are you going?" Thus far, we have done our best to answer using multiple strategies:

1. The Non-Answer: "Oh, you know, just anywhere there is a great beach and a drink in my hand."

2. The Vagary: "Just headed somewhere warm for a stretch."

3. The Redirect: "Looking forward to getting away for a while. Where did you go on your last vacation? Oh, and check out the bright, shiny object!"

4. The Clueless Partner: "You know, the Mexican Riviera somewhere. Prof did all the planning."

5. The Circular Logic: "Oh, that great place we went last year. We are headed there again." (Recommended to be closely followed by the Redirect.)

As we do our best to be productive in these last few days before flying off to paradise, we wish you luck in any evasive action and tempering of enthusiasm in front of vanillas you may have to do before your next (or first) sexy vacation. And whatever you do don't let them look in your suitcase!

Supporting Friends

We feel compelled to post a blog in the wake of the most recent Swingset episode in which Cooper and Marilyn joined the Sex is Fun crew for their trip to Desire. We're so happy everybody had a fantastic time. That is what Desire is all about!

In the lead up to the trip, friends who are all part of this diverse community that is open relationships had an open dialogue in the Twitterverse in which they disagreed. In episode 31 of Swingset, the issue is discussed again. Prof and I respect everyone's right to their own opinions and everyone's right to choose where and how they make, what really amount to, political statements.

Prof and I are supportive of intelligent, measured, respectful dialogue about important issues. We do believe, however, that the most important aspect is remembering that we are all part of a community that just by its nature can be a challenging place to reside. With that said, we believe that allowing everyone their space for their own views as well as their own ways in which to handle how and when they express them is simply respecting them as human.

There is certainly a time and place for evolved discourse on political issues. For us, we choose to live that day in and day out in our lives at home. Those few days a year at Desire are our time to unplug completely in every way.

Ultimately, Prof and I are counting the days until we can gather with John and Allie and the Swingercast groupies at Desire, a place of utter relaxation and pleasure for us. We choose to take that time for ourselves to celebrate our own relationship and enjoy ourselves with other fascinating and diverse friends. We are grateful for all of our friends and do our best to support them in their journeys as best we can.

Thank you for indulging our little public service announcement. Now back to our regularly scheduled sexy programming.

Ginger and The Professor - Revealed

I love the idea that Ginger is podcasting for Life on the Swingset. It makes me even happier when listeners provide feedback about her sexy voice and her even sexier (sharp) intellect. These attributes—among many others—are worthy of sharing with the world. The attention Ginger receives certainly doesn’t go to her head, as she is far too modest for that. Yet, for the ‘inquiring minds’ who want to know more about us, the following offers more about Ginger and the Professor on our not-so-deserted island:

Cocksucka

We have been together for 17 years…we met when Ginger was the irresistible college cheerleader, too hot to be approachable, but confident enough to ask me out. Yay me! Prior to when we met, she’d perfected her technique in giving head thanks to the starting quarterback and select other football players volunteering their hard cocks for her practice. If it sounds cliché that the football players were using the cute cheerleader, then you’ve actually got it backward. Ginger was thoroughly enjoying using them, and the control that she had over them as a result.

Though all of her sexual skills are amazing, her blowjobs are at the top…she can suck the biggest, thickest cocks right down to the balls…she truly enjoys cocks of all sizes and can bring herself to orgasm in the midst of a blow job without missing a beat (and with no hands)…in a moment of passion, one of our friends exclaimed “God, you suck cock like a pro.” If it wasn’t one of our closest and most trusted friends, it may have been awkward to find out how he’d come up with that!

Ginger Succumbs

In the beginnings of our relationship, Ginger had not yet become her insatiable sexual self. Despite all the services for the football team, she didn’t seek any reciprocity from the guys so when we met, her orgasmic potential was not yet fully developed. I still remember the first time I gave her oral sex…she was hesitant at first…warmed slowly…then got so wet and excited as her inhibitions faded…then came so hard that she was surprised. One of the differences for her? A more delicate touch. Less is more. Guys learning how to lick pussy from porn movies jump right in and are very aggressive. Ginger’s clit is uber-sensitive and deep sucking on it will never bring her off. FYI.

From Fantasy to Reality

The fantasy play (pre-open relationship) that we engaged in was the most important part for us to develop and define our sexual relationship. Ginger initially wasn’t much of a talker, but I was super turned on by hearing about her sexual experiences and history. As we’d recount those stories, her body would get very aroused. I’d point that out. Then we’d talk more, or turn her prior sexual experiences into more of a fantasy direction. “Can you imagine how good it would have felt for you to take his hard cock out of your mouth and to slip it into your pussy?” Then I’d play it out while we fucked…making up and adjusting the narrative as her body responded in different ways. I’d sense if it wasn’t working and then move the story in a different direction. Occasionally, she’d say “tell me more” or “oh, not that.” She was always welcome to contribute, but didn’t find her voice often (which has now changed!).

Our fantasy play would happen in fits and spurts (no pun intended) as we became comfortable with opening ourselves, and our desires, to each other. More than anything, paying attention to her body’s reaction was really important for figuring out what was truly erotic versus what was just not doing it for her. Sometimes she’d be quiet, so there were no verbal cues but her pussy would be very, very wet. Other times she’d be more vocal—the occasional “mmm” or breathless “yeah”—letting me know we were on the right track. Ginger was comfortable expressing that she wasn’t into an idea or fantasy and we’d go in a different direction. Sometimes, I’d challenge her, gently, by point out that she didn’t need to “over-think” it—that following her body’s reaction was best—and to let go of judging herself for being turned on by an idea. We talked a lot about other men…then introduced the idea of other women…first with me and eventually with her. It all really got her hot. Then we started talking about her social interactions with women and when she’d find herself getting wet “for no reason.” Welcome to bisexuality Ginger! And thanks to the hot, inked and adorned coffee girl for pushing her over the edge! Gin still gets enormously turned on by the Suicide Girl look.

Unicorn, Briefly Recounted

We’ve referred in other posts to our first non-monogamous sexual experience with another woman. Without knowing anything, we posted on Craigslist and luckily found an amazing person to start the journey. In her first meeting with our friend, Ginger said the woman was absolutely stunning, and smart, but a little spastic. She told me about how the woman jumped up in the middle of the conversation and hustled off to the bathroom. Ginger wasn’t sure if it was over, but come to find out, the woman’s bra had mysteriously come unfastened. That’s some strong energy! Be forewarned ladies!

Orgasm is to Ginger as Snow is to Eskimo

(Yes, I realize how absolutely nerdy that subtitle is.)

Even before our openness, Ginger was multi-orgasmic. Our explorations—continued fantasy play and experiences with others—have seemed to enhance this. More than ever, she is tuned into her own body. As she recently wrote on Swingset, this includes her ability to “think off,” or orgasm without any stimulation. She has as many words for different types orgasm as Eskimos do for snow. Some of them I can offer her with my body, mouth, and fingers. Other types only come with other lovers and how they uniquely fuck her (and what they fuck her with). The orgasms she has in our power exchange play—something we have yet to include others in—are of even a different quality, and others Os come only from the female touch. She’s discovered that she really loves to be the fucker over the past year…now owning a selection of harnesses and dildos for every occasion. There is a certain look that overcomes her when she fastens her harness and selects her cock…she fucks with a gusto that’d make any male porn star envious. And even more recently she’s taken a liking to pegging me…it’s amazingly hot for me to see Ginger over me with her sexy athletic body, stimulating my P-Spot with her hands all over my cock.

All of the ways that Ginger and I enjoy sex—and the different types of orgasms she has with me and with others couldn’t make me happier. When I deliberately go to my lizard brain and consider the idea that she can experience pleasure that I cannot provide, I expect to find some kind of jealousy, or maybe even more instinctually being threatened; yet, it doesn’t happen. When I reflect on something and think about how what I’m feeling differs from what I “should” feel, it is a clear sign that the predominant cultural forces still have influence over me. Going back to the previous paragraph, I had to stop and think whether I should disclose that I like Ginger to fuck me with her favorite dildo. Will people be turned off? Will they stop reading the blog? I’m not fishing for feedback. I’ve simply arrived at the conclusion for me: Fuck how we “should” act. And feel free to arrive at your own place. I may not be into it, but I certainly won’t judge it either.

Feeling Desirous Again

Ok, no more ranting to myself. The last thing to share—for this post at least—is that we are newly addicted to naked vacations. After a couple of years going to Hedo in Jamaica and enjoying general nakedness and the adult-spring-break vibe, we went last year to Desire with Swingercast. Whoa! Now THAT is a way to vacation. Relaxed. Playful. Classy. Sensual. You know you’ve found the right place to vacation when the adjectives to describe the place are the same ways you think of yourself. We are so excited to be headed back again, April 2011, once again with the Swingercast crew. John and Allie are terrific hosts and have attracted an amazing group of people to the event. We look forward to reconnecting (pun intended) with friends from the last vacation, as well as meeting new people, such as Bare Featz and Dani Sapphire from the LifestyleLife podcast. If you’re coming, be sure to join the Swingercast private Desire forum so we can all connect before the amazing week that is to come. According to their countdown clock, a mere 182 days to wait…

How Did We End Up In Our Bathroom?

Prof and I had a super sexy fun weekend! Love that! It seems like our schedules our allowing for a bit more fun lately. We’ve come off a stretch of having no time to work in any hang out time with our sexually-open friends, or any friends for that matter. We’ve still enjoyed our time together and have anticipated this weekend where we attended a party.

It was an excellent party where we were meeting many sexy friends. In true swinger fashion, it was a costume party. Neither of our costumes consisted of much material, so we were tooling around decent and appropriate, but half naked. With so many friends we were happy to see, and so many new people to meet, it was quite a busy night. When Prof and I enjoy parties, we are not always mingling together. It happens sometimes that Prof meets fun hotties while I am off meeting others or hanging out with friends.

Before this party, we hosted a female unicorn friend in our room during pre-party while we were getting dressed in our costumes. She is someone we enjoy very much, care about and love to hang out with. She attends the same parties independently and on occasion will make plans to play on party nights. At this party, both Prof and Sexy Unicorn met the same couple, thought they were hot and fun and enjoyed their company. I had only said hello, but didn't have the chance to get to know them at all.

As the party progressed, we were all mingling and having an excellent time. The larger group of friends all knew one another already and made a plan to adjourn to one room for sexy play. As the new hot couple seemed to fold seamlessly into the group, they were invited to join. The wrinkle was they were newbies and weren't sure they were game to play in such a large group. Understandable.

While they considered their options, I and the rest of the group started the private party. Sexy Unicorn was invited to join Newbies to play, so after conferring with me, Prof extended them the offer to use our room.

So picture it: I am carried away in sexy play with friends. Prof is attempting to ascertain who is invited back to our room and if we are included in that group. And at the center of the negotiation are the understandably nervous and excited Newbies. Throw in our friend, sweet Sexy Unicorn, for good measure and you have yourself a perfect example of what not to do.

The Sexy Unicorn and Newbies finally couldn't wait any longer and took us up on our offer to use our room. At that point, Prof gently coaxed me from watching the delicious orgy action to suggest what I thought was that we should go "host" Newbies and Sexy Unicorn in our room. I agreed that would be gracious of us assuming we were invited to be part of that group.

What I hadn't considered that I realized as we were walking to our room was that I didn't feel comfortable actually sexually engaging with Newbies, because I wanted to get to know them better first. That revelation would have better served us had I realized it before we were in our room watching the sexy action. We were propositioned to join and given that I was pretty decided I wasn’t going to play, but yet conflicted, the natural thing was to…well, retreat to the bathroom of our hotel room, of course. Yeah, I know, I know…what was I thinking? The answer: not much with my hormone-clouded orgasmic brain.

After Prof realized I wasn’t planning on joining the sexies on the bed, he joined me in the bathroom. And there we were…sitting in our bathroom while everybody else was playing and orgasming.

So that's how we ended up in our bathroom.

At that point, admittedly quite late in the game, we had a clear conversation about where the hell we were going to land that night. After we sifted through the sparse and confusing communication we had throughout the night, we decided to politely excuse ourselves from our room and head back to the group. Although Newbies were very sexy and fun, I was not up for playing with them until we got to know them better. Prof honored that and happily joined me in yet another half-naked traipsing across the lawn to our friends’ room.

As we put the pieces together during a subsequent hot tub discussion, Prof and I relearned the value of consistent, clear communication throughout the night at a party, especially when five couples and a unicorn are involved. Had we not been patient with each other and honored each other's feelings, that night would have easily been a bust. But we were patient and we did honor each other's feelings and because of that had a fantastic, hot night!

In follow-up from that crazy night, we connected with Sexy Unicorn and hottie Newbies to let them know we were so happy they had an awesome time that night and look forward to getting together for a date night ahead of our next party opportunity. Prof and I are confident we won't end up in our bathroom at the next party unless it's for a delicious quickie in the shower during pre-party.

Swingers share.

Prof and I recently had a fun weekend out with sexy friends. It wasn't meant to be anything more than just fun on the town...the Platonic swinger outing, if you will. We were with a handful of hottie couples hanging out when another hottie couple we know arrived along with another couple we didn't.

My immediate intuition was that the other sexies were swingers too. As it happened, they were indeed. The four of them were out on a date and here they were in our midst! Bringing their catch into the lion's den of all places: a room full of swingers!

Were they that confident not of us would make our own move? Were they trying to ditch the lackluster dates among us and slip out the back door? Were they simply flaunting their newfound hot conquests?

Nah...none of the above.

As it turns out, swingers are typically "good sharers." Go figure. Our friends figured what a fun way to get to know another couple and introduce them to other sexy friends at the same time. We all behaved. Prof and I were friendly, but made sure to give the new "lust birds" some space to bask in that N.R.E. (new relationship energy).

As it turns out, the four of them left together toward the end of the evening. Who knows what the trajectory of their evening turned out to be. As you are in the Lifestyle longer and longer, Prof and I believe you become even better sharers, even encouraging sexy friends to meet new people and root for them in that endeavor.

In the end, we just felt great knowing there's another couple of swingers in the world moving us toward a critical mass. And, of course, we can always ask them out next time we see them, since our friends are excellent sharers.

What's life without adventure?

Oprah did a show on swinging some time ago. It profiled a PTA mom and a couple of CPAs. Oprah's audience members looked shocked. The swingers in the crowd pretended they were shocked. The swingers watching at home were completely not shocked.

Of course, demonstrating Oprah's and the production staff's general cluelessness about consensual non-monogamy, they paired the swinging segment with a segment on infidelity and spousal abuse. Great. Thanks, Oprah. With friends like you who needs enemies? Another topic for another time.

Back to the PTA mom and the CPAs...yep, that is pretty much us. We hear it over and over again. Swingers are "normal" people. Swingers have families. Swingers go to church. Hell, swingers teach Sunday School. (Oops, sorry, I meant to say "heck.") Swingers are nurses. Swingers are lawyers. Swingers are teachers. Swingers are executives. Swingers are firefighters. Swingers are your neighbors. (Unless you live next to us, then it's the other neighbors, yeah, those neighbors.)

For the most part, swingers go about living their lives just like everybody else except for the fact that their lives, especially Friday and Saturday nights, are much more fun than most people's...not just because there's wild, wanton sex EVERY weekend, but because swingers are the kind of people who really live life. Again, not just because there's is an abundant amount of fantastic sex (which there is, and contrary to popular belief, mostly with their own partners), but because they're always the friends who stay the latest at the party and they're the ones who always have a vacation planned. They're the ones who don't let an opportunity for fun and adventure go by.

I remember when Prof and I were just dipping our toes in the sexy swinger water and that very word, adventure, kept popping up on websites, in books we were reading, from other "adventurous" people we were meeting online. And you know what? It has pretty much proven to be true. People we meet in the Lifestyle are serious movers and shakers and not just on the dance floor or in the bedroom. Our Lifestyle friends have unique careers, exciting hobbies, fun families and awesome relationships with their partners.

Of course, the Lifestyle can carry with it its share of drama, but Prof and I have instituted a strict no-drama-allowed policy and if either of us feel even a little unsettled about the quality of a couple's relationship or the motives of a potential partner, we wish them well and move on. We recommend the no-drama policy to anyone thinking of exploring the Lifestyle or those already in who haven't yet adopted the aforementioned policy.

Through the no-drama policy, honoring chemistry and listening to intuition, we have cultivated a great group of sexually open friends. They keep us on our toes and entertained through sharing in their lives and adventures, including sexy vacations, hot dates, erotic parties and even occasional PTA meetings and trips to the accountant.

Here's to adventure, hotties!

Swingers, swingers everywhere, so what must people think?

Prof and I had an experience of attending a large swingers party that required the group to gather in a public space before adjourning to a private party space. Although we were all aware that we were in public and it was still late afternoon, the familiarity and flirting among the group were clearly apparent. Out on a weekend night, everyone was excited to see one another and impatient to get the party started.

I couldn't help but glance around at the presumed monogamers strolling by observing the tame, yet escalating affections among the group. People dining outdoors at the restaurants across the street seemed to be attempting to cipher who was with whom to little avail.

It still to this day leaves me wondering what observers thought seeing people, like butterflies in a wildflower patch, moving seamlessly from one hottie to the next kissing hello and flirting mercilessly. Did they make us out to be a group of singles? And upon closer inspection were they shocked? Confused? Entertained? Turned on?

Although I can be the enthusiastic exhibitionist, I was less titillated and more intellectually curious about their impressions. I do believe that dispelling stereotypes about non-monogamers can stem from open illustrations that, guess what, we are pretty much just like everybody else. Now that's not to say I believe that swinger parties should be on display to the world to prove a point, certainly not after 10:00 p.m.! However, the consensual non-monogamy movement, if such a united front exists, could take a page from the GLBTQQIA movement and show the world through openness that we are everywhere.

With all that said, Prof and I are not there yet. And honestly, neither is our culture. Although we feel liberated and grateful for having examined the cultural and religious construct of mandated monogamy and come to the conclusion that it had no place in our relationship, we are keenly aware of the risks of being out in the current culture.

As Prof and I evolve in our relationship and as consensual non-monogamy continues to gain positive exposure and trend into the mainstream, we see light on the other side of the closet. Until then, we will continue our subtle progress toward being out and our obvious support of everything sex-positive.

Just not enough time in the day. . .

Prof and I have a sexy party coming up this weekend. We are SOOO ready to go party it up, hang out with sexy friends, do some dancing and see where the night takes us. We are way overdue for our erotic-night-with-open-hot-friends fix. For us, that type of night can take on so many delicious forms: from flirty dancing and taking the hormones back to our room to enjoy each other every which way, to a group sex scenario as naughty as the hottest porn. We'll see what comes to play this weekend.

As for the last month, well, that has been a different story. As can happen, life seems to have gotten in the way of us fully enjoying our open sexuality. We have been apart a fair amount of time. We have had an overload of typical life commitments, so couldn't schedule our own fun gathering. And, our regular group parties had a long stretch in between last month's and this month's. We have been having fun pleasuring each other, of course! But even that time spent together has been of the smash and grab variety, meaning we have little time and quick and opportunistic is the best we've been able to manage. Needless to say, quickies are hot and serve their purpose, but the über-sexed cannot live on quickies alone!

The reality is we all fall prey to the occasional dearth of sexy times. I wish I had a solution to having enough sexy time and keeping the planning pipeline full. I've read in a number of resources regarding managing open relationships that those of us who are open tend to have busy lives and Type A personalities as it is, so they say. Add to that a lover or two and the desire to regularly immerse yourself in the culture of open sexuality at parties or other gatherings with like-minded folks and . . .voilá! Practically speaking, you have a scheduling nightmare. It really does take focus and practice to sustain more complex relationships. Could that be the practical bottom line for default culturally-mandated monogamy? That it is just too damn hard to keep up with, nurture and sustain more than one lover?

I heard a saying once about defining swingers compared to the polyamorous: "With swingers you get dinner and drinks and a sexy night, but with the polyamorous you get breakfast too." While that may be a clever and witty, what happens when you are the kind of "swingers" that often enjoy breakfast with lovers or integrated vanilla/swinger/poly family events? As the lines between swinger and poly become more and more blurred and hazy, it has become a process for Prof and I that makes us feel more authentic and true to who we are. We also tend to attract lovers and sexually-open friends who enjoy and flourish when the lines become blurred. That has only exacerbated the already tricky proposition of navigating such a complex and full schedule.

With all that said, I wouldn't change a single thing. Being open has brought us so many amazing experiences together and with other chosen sexy friends. Gatherings would be lonely without our sexually-open friends. Further, having concentrated time among like-minded friends alone recharges our batteries to confront the sexually-repressive, sex-negative culture more and more as we continue to evolve ourselves.

I guess I would change one thing: To keep an eye to making time for sex-positive fun in the schedule, starting with this weekend.

Better living through chemistry

How is it that someone can be intelligent, funny, gorgeous and sexy as hell, yet you discover you have not one bit of desire to be sexual with him? Or you meet someone who is outside of your typical attraction sweet spot, yet you become immediately seduced and consumed by her hotness. The answer: chemistry. Elusive chemistry.

One of the mysteries of the Lifestyle is the concept of chemistry. You can go out on a hot date, have a great dinner, enjoy excellent conversation, but when you hit the dance floor discover you're just not feeling it.

Of course, there is the opposite phenomenon. You experience the cliché: You see someone from across the room, your eyes meet and you immediately visualize his naked, sweaty body smothering you during mind-blowing, time-space-continuum warping action.

I personally prefer the latter. Go figure.

In the years Prof and I have had an open relationship, we have discussed, explored, examined, rehashed and analyzed the concept of chemistry and have come to a clear conclusion: We haven't the faintest clue how to unravel such a mystery. Anticipating chemistry, discovering the source of chemistry and trying to create chemistry is truly Lifestyle alchemy.

In the wake of the Gordian knot that is erotic chemistry, Prof and I have simply devised methods for keeping our heads above water in lieu of seeking a solution. Here are a few of our tried and true flotation devices:

• Accept a declined invitation with no judgment. Simply because someone does not wish to be sexual with you does not mean you are unattractive or unsexy. Reading into a person's rationale for declining your advance is speculative at best. Move on from that circumstance with no hard feelings knowing that off-the-charts chemistry with another hottie is likely right around the corner.

• Understand you reserve the right to simply say "no thank you" and offer no rationale. We all have the right to be sexual with whom we choose when we choose. This is a riff off of the Lifestyle mantra "no means no." No rationale is necessary when following your attraction.

• Some Lifestyle friends will become friends minus benefits. The reality is having platonic Lifestyle friends is part of being in the Lifestyle. Having open-minded and fun platonic Lifestyle friends adds a dimension to swinging not to be missed. If everyone was attracted to everyone all the time, we would be left without the mystery and beauty of the seduction dance. And we all know the chase is a significant part of the hot fun.

• Intense, passionate chemistry with someone new can be perceived by partners as unsettling or complete ecstasy. On the flip side of the lack of chemistry is the all-consuming, fierce and exceptional attraction. Often this type of attraction feels like a force of nature, truly almost undeniable. For some partners, observing this type of chemistry can trigger twinges of jealousy. In this case, it is important to have honest, clear communication about the emotions you're experiencing. It is also important to remember that often this type of chemistry is bolstered by, what non-monogamers call, new relationship energy or N.R E. If you find that any scenario is too unsettling, it is best to disengage. For many partners, observing your partner experiencing the heights of ecstasy with another is its own ecstasy. This is a concept, often evoked by non-monogamers, called compersion. Whether we realize it or not, many of us in open relationships enjoy and thrive on the experience of compersion. (For more in-depth discussion of compersion, read The Ethical Slut and Opening Up, two excellent resources for those of us in alternative relationships.)

• When you find and experience amazing chemistry, be in the moment and enjoy it! That doesn't necessarily mean you run off to the bedroom. Take it slow. Enjoy every hormonal zing, the lingering eye contact, the casual touches, the compliments...and dish it all out mercilessly knowing you're feeding the desire. It truly doesn't get any hotter!

The bottom line is the ongoing search for elusive chemistry keeps erotic energy flowing, smiles on our faces and all of us looking forward to the next date. Have fun with it!

"My cheeks hurt from laughing!"

In the afterglow of Desire, Prof and I are constantly reliving the sexy, hot times we had. The atmosphere was incredible. The food was sumptuous. The drinks were fortifying. The views were stunning. The breeze was caressing. The sun on our naked bodies was soothing. The ocean was refreshing while the hot tub was entrancing. We had sensory and stimulation overload, in the best way possible of course.

This profusion of sensory seduction pales in comparison to the experience of the people: so hot, so sexy, so erotic. . .and so witty. Yes, you heard me. Witty. Not only was this indomitable crew led by John and Allie sexing up the place, but they also brought their clever conversation A-game. I haven't laughed that hard in a long time. In the words of one of the sexy crew, "My cheeks hurt from laughing!" No, not those cheeks, the ones on your face, you dirty-minded hottie!

So here is just a smattering of what we overheard at Desire besides some very able accents, impromptu, well-executed show tunes and constant sounds of sexual satisfaction. While some things are best left to the imagination, it is important to immortalize the best of the best of things overheard at Desire. A few of these may motivate you join the group in 2011 for the full experience!

"Drink up. The more rum you drink, the better I look."

"No, that's not duck tape, it's Kentucky pasties."

"Have you had all the blow jobs you can handle yet?"

(Considering.) "Ummmm. . . no, no, can't say that I have."

"The group is sexual, but it is not just about the sex."

"If she was any hotter, it would be scary."

"What time is it?"

"Ummm. . .let's see," looks at wrist with no watch, "looks like it is swing o'clock."

"The server on the beach won't bring me water. She just keeps telling me I am on vacation and brings me another mojito."

T-shirt saying: "I came to Desire with Swingercast and all I got was a triple blow job."

Remembering Desire is a clothing-optional resort. . .asked while people were in the hot tub: "Do you have a pen?"

"I can't hurry, I am wearing pleather pants."

"Wow! Lots of guys are rocking the man-sarong."

The staff attempting to maintain the rules and order: "No coochie coochie in the cabana."

"After all of our action last night in the play tent, they are taking it down. Clearly, what we all did could not be topped. We were being so dirty, they even had to hose the whole area down."

On the dance floor: "What day is it?" she asks. He replies, "Ummm. . .not really sure," then asks another hottie, "What is today?" No one knew the answer and the quest for the knowledge of what day it was was abandoned.

"Whoa! I just had seven Gingergasms!"

"Let's give him a 'duelly.'"

"Who's Julie? I haven't met her."

"No, let's give him a 'DUELLY,' as in double blow job."

"Ohhh. . . absolutely!"

"The sex toy bag weighs 49 pounds. She's a packing ninja!"

"Hot tub happy hour. . .get in with your sunglasses on, get out when the moon comes out, maybe get off sometime in between."

"No, not 'EP' as in extended play. 'DP' as in double penetration."

"Well, how about 'EPDP'?"

"We need to do research to ascertain whether the enjoyment of the blow job varies by language spoken by the woman doing the oral." (There were plenty of male volunteers to help with that research.)

"The most dangerous place to be is between her and her orgasm."

"We came back to the room after the cleaning woman and she stood all of the dildos up. Apparently, the staff wants all the cocks erect and ready."

During a play session: "Come on in for the assist."

"I've never seen that position before."

"Really? Let's go practice."

Questions about swinger etiquette: "Do you interrupt others playing to say 'goodbye'?" How about: "Is it appropriate to tell her her ass is so hot it makes me want to bite it?"

"Hey, stop blowing him. You two are late for an orgy."

"My outfit had a fantastic time. I was just along for the ride."

And, last, but not least: "I'm not that familiar with U.S. geography, but I am discovering it one lady at a time."

This is hardly an exhaustive list. Sexy friends, if you have words that must be immortalized, pass them along! Gracias!

Feeling Desirous

Desire. The resort’s name is apropos of everything. It’s what you feel when your planning on going. Desire. It’s what you experience when you’re there. Desire. It’s what you long for the moment you leave.

Ginger chronicled the sweet anticipation for the Swingercast trip to Desire in the Wait for it...wait for it… entry. And we will be sharing many more of our observations—and experiences too (with names to protect the sexy)—in our upcoming blogs. For that, you’ll have to wait. Such a tease, aren’t I?

That leaves us with parting Desire: a desire much deeper than the notion that we are anxious to return. Yes, that is certainly the case. As is the case for most people with busy, full lives, we started thinking ahead and considering the next opportunity to return. We actually started that process in advance of even stepping foot on the property. The experiences only further solidified our plans.

Beyond the idea that we’re already in anticipation of the beach’s warm sun and the resort’s classy amenities, it’s the erotic people for which we will hold the desire. In our lizard brains, this manifests as both memories and anticipation of the orgasms—the raw sexual energy openly shared and passed between friends and sometimes even strangers. Well, strangers until the next morning, at least, when a playful friend introduces himself to Ginger and asks her name following a hot make out session in the club the night prior. But that is its own story…Sex was in the air. And we did our part to pay it forward.

Intellectually, we desire the conversations that seamlessly flowed. From ‘real world’ occupations and family histories, to the sharing of sexual experiences and fantasies. The conversations were spontaneous. Some—light and airy. Others—deep and meaningful. Many—filled with laughter. Anywhere and everything was fair game. Hanging out nude in on the beach beds? Well, expect someone may saunter up and strike up a discussion. At lunch, we talked about oral techniques. Over drinks, we’d regale each other with tales. Some shared their sexual adventures. Others talked about what the Lifestyle was like for them. There were no hushed voices during the dinner conversation about double penetration (DP) techniques. To the contrary, the group from across the way—upon seeing one person’s concept of the ‘best’ approach—yelled out “Are you talking about DP!?!”

Most significantly, we desire the social openness. Full cultural immersion to be more specific. People who are from all different parts of the world and walks of life, yet are fully respectful of others as individuals and couples. People who are sexual, but not obsessed. People who are kinky and own it. Perfectly curvy women and petite French snacks. Men of all shapes and men of all sizes. People who are new to the Lifestyle, as well as those that are old school. Those trying new things with a toe in the water, and those going so deep that scuba gear would be in order. And among all of this diversity we were bonded by a simple paradigm: being oneself. As individual sexual beings. As couples sharing new sexual experiences. The balanced existence of voyeurs and exhibitionists. Dominant and submissive. Sadistic and masochistic. The morning risers and those who keep it up all night…

We feel like part of the “Oceanic Six” from Lost. On the way home from the island, the group decides that the ‘real world’ can’t handle the truth. So they make up a story. They share the cover story with their friends and family and in the process of being re-acculturated, they realize how much has changed. Inside themselves that is. Cultural changes happen at glacial speed. People change faster—particularly when challenged. When learning is experiential. And when they are loved and supported in the process. We know we are changed. Yet, we’re re-entering a society that has all the same hang-ups as it did last week. We’re holding tight…to the memories…to the Desire.

p.s. In editing this entry together on the plane, I leaned over to Ginger to ask the following in a rather loud, matter-of-fact tone: "Should it read 'sadist and masochist' or 'sadistic and masochistic'?" After turning heads and our outburst of laughter, we decided on the latter.