Sexy Is As Sexy Does

Sexy is defined by what we control, not by our natural "assets." When I think about what attracts me to someone else, it exclusively relates to the things that someone does, whether it's part of what they do regularly--exercise, eating right, reading, or their style, for example--or whether it is something one does in the interaction that made an impression--a touch, smile, a laugh or a verbal game of banter.

Most people obsess about the things that they can't control. I'm too tall/short, big/small, curvy/skinny, pale/dark. The list is endless. Problem is, they've got it all backwards. Focusing on these things keeps our minds distracted from the things that really make us sexy: attitude, appearance, and attention.

Ever seen someone across the room and thought they were the hottest person you've ever seen, only to meet them later and find them a dud? I have.

Ever started interacting with someone and found yourself wondering how this hottie had evaded your detection until now? Or being wildly turned on by someone that isn't in your "type" after you met them? Numerous times on both accounts.

Let's distinguish here between the eye-candy concept of sexy versus the I-want-to-fuck-you-like-an-animal kind of sexy. I'd argue that the former is not only superficial, but also a mostly vanilla concept. Appreciating the physical appearance of another person is the most a vanilla person will indulge him/herself--that image is all that is needed for the satisfaction. But the swinging crew needs much more to find satisfaction because it's infinitely more possible that they'll find themselves post-orgasmic and spent next to the person. And no amount of eye candy can overcome the awkwardness of trying to fill those empty conversational spaces when the other person is simply an empty vessel.

Attitude

By far, the most important part of sexy for me is attitude. Shy or outgoing? Doesn't matter to me, but when we engage, I'd like to see that you are comfortable in your own skin. Do you know what you like? Do you accentuate the things you like about yourself? Are you cheerful? Do you have a take (a.k.a, opinion)? Willing to engage in some intellectual foreplay, debating @Sexatdawn or the latest Savage Love advice?

Ginger and I have some friends we consider to be very dear to us. We've played with them more times than I've counted and it's always a great time. We have great chemistry and often hang at our club parties as four. In spite of all that history and chemistry, this last Halloween party we were hanging out at the hotel chatting with a bunch of couples after dancing at the club. The Mrs. sat down on the floor and started whining about being tired. SO NOT SEXY. That was enough to turn me off for the night...Ginger and I played alone that evening. Do I still think she is hot? Absolutely. But whining surely is not sexy.

Appearance

The most important thing about appearance is cleanliness. I know it may seem like a given, but it's surprising how many people overlook the basic steps. I also look for someone that is healthy--not a size or body shape--but someone that demonstrates that they take care of themselves. I've met curvy women that do triathlons (hot!) and petite women that smoke like chimneys (not!). Eat right, do yoga, read Four Hour Body...just do something that shows you care about yourself and your appearance. Finally, I really enjoy a sense of style. Sometimes the itty-bitty costumes can convey style, but sometimes it looks like they are just trying too hard. How about something that is suggestive and revealing, yet leaves something to the imagination, or better yet, leaves something for my later discovery? Now we're talking!

Attention

I'll keep this short: if you are interested in a connection with me, don't give me the "look-past." By this I mean the darting eyes and scanning of the room during a conversation. It's really pretty simple. If you're in a conversation with me, then BE in a conversation with me. Engage. On the other hand, If you'd like to check around and see who else is at the party, then by all means, feel free to do so. Never been offended by someone that has excused themselves from a conversation for ANY reason. Mingling. That's why they call it a party. The problem for me comes when you're in a conversation with me and mingling with your eyes. This says to me: "I am looking for a better option and will only stay in this conversation until I find one." I'll be all alpha here: I'm not a consolation prize.

So get your sexy on...own it, do it. Focus on your attitude, your appearance, your attention. Let go of all the other things you don't control. Then try it out. Or better yet, try it out on me. Find me on Twitter, on chat, at Desire (twice in 2012!), or at a club near you.

Phuck Pharma!

From the Desk of the Professor:

Phuck pharma.

Female sexual dysfunction? The disease created by pharma for pharma’s benefit.

Instead of rooting out cultural messages that fuck up women’s minds about their own selves as sexual beings. Instead of providing education for women to know how to accept pleasure. Instead of using the energies from their own bodies and that of their partners. Let’s create a pill. And then let’s put prominent sex educators on the dole to go out and start to create a market. Fuck you too Drs. Laura and Jennifer Berman. You are now officially unfollowed off our Twitter feed. Peddle your wares somewheres else.

The clamor to create an effective "Pink Viagra" is disturbing on so many levels. At the top of this list is a dirty little secret: this pill isn’t even being designed for the benefit of women. Think about it—who benefits from the pill most? Men. Yes, this pill is designed for the benefit of men to be administered to women. Our poor male egos are so fragile and damaged from partners that fake orgasm or aren’t ready when WE want it or (insert any other reason). So make no mistake that this will be big business because the men who created it will be marketing it to the men who want it administered in large doses to their partners. Sorry, ladies. You just end up being kind of like a nice, warm blow up doll in this equation.

The documentary Orgasm Inc (@orgasm_inc) exploits the drug industry for what they are and for the carnage they have already created (see Time article “Warning: Orgasm Inc. Will Leave You Hot and Bothered”). Unfortunately, a good documentary is a small defense against the billion dollar marketing machine that is big pharma.

Ok, deep breath.

Yes, I’m ranting like a second-wave feminist. Perhaps it’s the lesbian trapped in my male body aching to get released.

What really riles me up more than anything is the hypocrisy. Selling sex in a pill (or a couple of pills if the dude needs some help too) is ok but only within a sex-negative cultural framework. If I choose a loving, open relationship with my partner, then I am a freak. But if I choose to medicate my wife with desire, it’s perfectly acceptable. If I like and desire sex a lot and with multiple partners, then I will be considered a sex addict. But if a pill from my doctor helps me like and desire sex, then it’s ok.

I was recently talking to a very sexy and very vivacious woman. It was in a work environment, but there was clearly chemistry between us. She was telling me about her background and after some time, disclosed some health problems she had in her past. Serious health problems—she was on the list for a heart transplant. Then, she said “fuck this” (an expression not often used in a business conversation) and decided her health issues were mind over matter. She weaned herself off the meds and has been healthy ever since. And my guess from my swing-dar is that her sex life is very active. From transplant list to healthy is some seriously strong energy. And the irony is, she attributed her health problems to her training as a nurse. She had bought into the mindset that drugs would solve her problems. Yet each step in the medical process made her sicker. From general malaise to transplant list. Until she decided to take control.

Anyone REALLY think a desire pill for women is the answer?

This past year I trained as a level one Reiki practitioner. Energy is an amazing thing. It’s infinite. And we have the capacity to create it and share it as much as we want. No dysfunction necessary to get diagnosed. No pills needed. I’m inspired to teach others and share the love and abundance of energy we have inside of ourselves and all around us. It's open-source and not proprietary. Not even a placebo pill is necessary. In the words of Christopher Ryan, co-author of Sex At Dawn (@sexatdawn), sexual energy is like oxygen...there is as much as we need to fulfill all our desires.

Deep breath...ahhhhhh!