The benefits of being a leading man.

The Prof and I have such a fun community of non-monogamous friends. We regularly, but not often enough, gather the friends together in a party atmosphere. We also enjoy awesome, hot couple's dating as much as we can, especially within that group of sexy friends.

We have crazy hot chemistry with one couple that lives a significant distance away. Given the geographic challenge, the stars have to align perfectly to facilitate a date with these hotties. Oh, the bliss and pleasure when the stars align!

During our last date, a spectacular turn of sexy events drew my attention to a phenomenon worthy of sharing for both educational and titillating purposes. Before diving right into it, perhaps a little foreplay, I mean, backstory is necessary.

[Cut to scene of rocking, awesome party.] The Prof and I met this hottie couple at our favorite swing party on Halloween. The initial interaction was conversation and some sexy dancing between me and, I'll call her, Katy. We clearly had immediate chemistry before we even shared with one another that we are both bisexual. The dancing and roaming hands spoke for themselves. While we were dancing and chatting, there was plenty of laughing and sharing about our experiences with women in the Lifestyle.

We concurred that declaring oneself "bisexual" while swinging encompasses a broad continuum of comfortable behavior: from being okay with sexy dancing and nothing else, to the almost rare pursuit of exclusively female-on-female-every-which-way-you-can-think-of sex. Katy and I teasingly discovered of one another that we both crave sexy women in all the hot, sweaty, creative ways possible. Score for me!

One of the challenges I have discovered in the Lifestyle is that being a passionately bisexual woman can lead to awkward moments and the female equivalent of blue balls: "blue va-jay-jay," as Oprah would call it. So to actually meet a wildly sexy, equally passionate bisexual woman with whom I have chemistry is almost a jackpot. Time to meet and introduce the partners. . .oh please, please, please let there be four-way chemistry.

[Cut back to the party now.] Katy and I part to gather the men to facilitate introductions only to find happily they have already made the discovery of us on the dance floor and have struck up a conversation. (I mean, really, I'm sure no one could have missed us on the dance floor, right? ::wink::) As we walk over, I make eye contact with, I'll call him Carter, and feel instant erotic electricity. Oh, so score for me!

The four of us continue to have awesome conversation and flirt, although I still haven't checked in with The Prof about where his chemistry is with Katy. When we do connect, The Prof shares he wasn't sure where the chemistry was with Katy--leaving the possibility for more fun and flirting to check the reciprocity of the chemistry. We continue to enjoy the dancing and the flirting and end up moving in a different direction that night.

[Cut to the next party.] The Prof and I spot Katy and Carter across the room and make our way over. We all greet one another with enthusiasm and lingering hugs and kisses; the four-way chemistry was immediately obvious. The Prof was noticeably more forward with Katy and they had an exchange I didn't catch then shared a laugh. Hmmm. . .intriguing.

What I haven't yet shared is that at the Halloween party, The Prof was dressed, very convincingly, as a rapper: the modern thug-looking rapper, complete with multiple neck tattoos, hat cocked to the side, pants hanging low. Apparently, that is not Katy's type and she shared with The Prof that she was delightedly relieved to note his transformation. The transformation that resulted in the elusive four-way chemistry. Score for us all!

[Cut to trendy downtown district then hotel room.] We made a date and got together for an awesome night of drinks, dinner, dancing and, gasp, playing. It was so much fantastic fun leading us ultimately to our hotel room. I'll admit that by the time we made it there the attraction I was feeling toward Katy was at the boiling point. With no hesitation, I began kissing her and we began to play slowly and sensuously.

Typically, in a foursome experience, I would encourage communication among everyone before the action gets rolling. Unfortunately, this was a step that I neglected. Although I trusted that The Prof, who is very familiar with the female-female dynamic, would simply enjoy observing and watching me please and be pleased. The angle I didn't consider is the perspective of Carter who is open and giving, but not yet experienced with this dynamic.

While Katy and I were wrapped up in one another, The Prof was patiently staying in the moment knowing and anticipating the spoils of the partner of a bisexual woman after a hot female-female experience. Carter, however, was at a bit of a loss. After watching for a bit, he attempted to gently enter into the dynamic, but it just wasn't right yet.

The erotic arc between Katy and me hadn't yet run its course. I certainly wouldn't have objected to Carter's advances at all. I was anticipating playing with him as much as Katy. After a few attempts, he smilingly encouraged The Prof to get in the mix too. At which point, The Prof assured him, "Patience, brother, our time will come and you will be so glad you were patient."

Indeed, it would and indeed he was! After Katy and I had exhausted the entire sexual repertoire known to women, we turned our heightened desire toward the two very lucky men. They were then put through their paces by two seriously turned on, revved up lovers. Call it outsourced foreplay. Not that either of them were looking to get out of it!

In our experience, The Prof and I have discovered the phenomenon that a sustained female-female dynamic results in an intense desire on the part of the women for penetration of some kind. This phenomenon is supported in sexological research. And, happily, in a heterosexual couple foursome dynamic, there are two gorgeous, erect cocks ready just when the women want them.

For the male partners of bisexual women, playing that supporting role during focused female-female play may take some time to get used to. Further, sometimes the interest of the group is more focused on integrated foursome play, which is also crazy hot. The difference is communication about everyone's desires and honoring that. When the women express clear desire for an exclusively female dynamic for a stretch, it is practically guaranteed that the men's patience and benevolent restraint in the supporting role will be rewarded with some seriously hot attention after the women play.

So, all you men out there with bisexual partners, consider that often a solid performance in a supporting role leads to the utterly satisfying, demanding and sometimes exhausting role of leading man. I know you are up for it!

Mmmm...mmm...oh...uh...huh...yeah...yeah...YES!

It seems as though I have been inundated with exposure to all things female orgasm lately: personal conversations, news articles, books, research, podcasts. . . I have gleaned a number of titillating and novel insights from these various sources, but first my personal perspective.

Any and all orgasms are good orgasms. Interestingly, the history of the researched female orgasm includes a debate, initiated by Freud, about which orgasm is the best orgasm ably alluded to most recently here by Domina Doll and in the presentation in question, this Dodson and Ross video.

It seems to me that this debate about orgasms is a lot like a debate about the comparative value of varietals of chocolate. We certainly all have our preferences among the options, but isn't the bottom line that chocolate is fantastic?

Unfortunately, among the sexually less-enlightened, many women must be convinced that orgasms have a place in their lives at all. This is particularly true for the many partnered women who have handed over their sexuality to their male partners for his sole pleasure. Sad, but true. Those women hold a special place in my heart. They are the women I feel most passionately about sharing the perspective that orgasms have value in their lives and how to get to that place where they own their sexuality.

So, with that said, I encourage support for experiencing any and all orgasms in any way and for any reason you get to "O." The following is some "juicy" orgasmic trivia:

Orgasmic Fun Fact #1: Orgasms have life prolonging potential.

One way to share the message for the widest possible audience to hear it is to point to the fact that research has shown that the mere experience of orgasms prolongs your life! Is there anyone who can argue against that? Granted the research is not broad (yet), but any research that shows that something wildly pleasurable and utterly safe prolongs my life is research to follow in my book.

Orgasmic Fun Fact #2: Some research has shown the wealthier the male partner, the more orgasms to expect.

Researchers at Newcastle University who are studying the utility of the female orgasm have found a connection between wealth of a male partner and the frequency of orgasm for their female partners. According to this study, the ability to make a living and an orgasm are connected. They maintain it is an evolutionary adaptation for women to seek "high-quality" mates with financial success and the ability to give orgasms as indicators of quality. Clearly, I need to create a seminar for men entitled: "The Way to Financial Success is Through Her Clitoris" or "How to Make Your First G-Spot Million."

Orgasmic Fun Fact #3: Orgasms can and do happen during childbirth.

The taboo connection between sex and childbirth has always puzzled me. I mean, really, how did most of us end up getting here in the first place? Likely after 40 weeks or so after our moms got it on. When that time comes, women are culturally conditioned to believe that childbirth is the most excruciating experience they will ever go through. However, as many birth attendants will tell you, when women are allowed to experience natural childbirth (which is becoming more rare in the U.S.) orgasms can and do happen. So there it is. It isn't my preferred route to the big O, but for those of you that can make it happen, I say "hells yeah, sister!"

Orgasmic Fun Fact #4: Sexologists can ascertain whether a woman orgasms vaginally by how she walks.

A study done by researchers in Scotland and Belgium showed that trained sexologists could tell 80% of the time whether a woman experienced vaginal orgasms. The correlation is connected to a longer, fluid, more confident stride. Now the reality is that their are layers of complex connection here that I could take hours to dive into from a sexological perspective. But I'll save that for another time. I will second Suzie Heumann's prescription that women who are interested in broadening their orgasmic repertoire to include the vaginal orgasm should include fun activities that increase their pelvic flexibility and movement. And plenty of Kegels can only help.

Orgasmic Fun Fact #5: We have so much to learn about the female orgasm.

I am supportive of all the research we can possibly do on the female orgasm. Every single woman is capable of and deserves to have as many orgasms as she can! In the meantime, read The Science of Orgasm to brush up on your scientific knowledge to date.

Orgasmic Fun Fact #6: There are infinite ways to reach orgasm. Try them all!

Now is the experiential part of the presentation. Go have fun!

Loving the heat and the hot sun too!

Oh so HOT here in Miami! With so many sexy vibes, I'm diving in with my first blog post. The Prof does such a fantastic job sharing our thoughts and perspective, it has taken a catalyst like Swingfest to get me fired up to write.

One fact is crystal clear when in a place where every one is a swinger: this atmosphere is the ultimate comfort for those of us with an alternative sexual lifestyle. Chatting with other swingers the theme that always comes through is how relaxing and enjoyable it is to be yourself, fully and completely. There is so much value in that. Those of you who haven't yet ventured into a swingers-only venue, you absolutely must take the plunge. You will be so glad you did. Swingers are generally the most open, communicative and friendly people you will meet!

Personally, seeing people in their truly natural sexual state, being their authentic sexual selves, is one of my favorite things. The freedom people exhibit when they know they are accepted just as they are is beautiful. It is the way we should be able to relate everywhere, including the vanilla world. Unfortunately that is not currently the case culturally. So until we evolve culturally to the place of accepting that sexuality and the right to enjoy it is an integral part of who we all are, we the sexually enlightened gather as often as possible in the few havens for free sexual expression.

In local swing clubs, at places like Hedonism, Desire and a resort we just learned about this trip, Caliente, you can be yourself wholly and completely. You can share your sexuality far and wide. Now that means different things for different people from voyeurism and petting while watching to an orgy experience. The one guarantee is that it is all on your terms. The swinger mantra "no means no" is honored. You can have the experience you want whatever that means for you.

The Prof and I have enjoyed this atmosphere and have learned from the experiences. The bottom line for the very hottest time is to communicate clearly with everyone in your orbit.

If you are sexy dancing with someone and that is as far as you would like to take it, say so.

If you want to take things further, there is nothing more fun than a well-thought-out proposition like, "You are turning me on so much dancing. I would love to feel your sexy hips moving under me like that. Would you like to come to my room?" Obviously, if you are partnered, you have already communicated with your partner about such an arrangement. Now it is time to give that person time to communicate with their partner if they have one.

Knowing that when you proposition someone or a couple that we all share the same right to enjoy the sex we want and when we want it. A simple no is an acceptable answer for anyone and everyone. That is part of the beauty of free sexual expression. Don't read into a declined invitation. Let it be and move on. Know that you are amazing and sexy and only the right experiences for you will come to pass.

When the right experience does happen it is the ultimate satisfaction. Watching people last night in the group playrooms alone can get me off, but when you become a part of that energy it is wild. The Prof and I enjoyed each other last night with sexy people watching. Just feeling their arousal through their eyes on me was just the edge I needed. Hearing the sounds of other hotties being satisfied in so many creative ways builds the heat between The Prof and me.

The Prof always sends me into uncharted sexual territory. His nuanced knowledge of my desires due to our strong communication as well as his masterful ability to play my body like his own personal musical instrument leads to the hottest times every time. Last night he would get me to the very edge of a powerful orgasm and leave me there with no resolution. When he knew that the next time he built up my desire was the time, he intentionally brought me over the edge into two wild climaxes. Both much stronger and satisfying than if he had just given me what I wanted the first time. The Prof just knows.

As I write the sun has come back out, the music from the pool is calling and The Prof is probably finishing his workout. It is time for me to get out into the Miami sun before I really get the full experience of the heat again tonight!

Beyond a Reasonable Doubt?

Ginger and I often discuss the feeling that we—both personally and culturally—are at the beginning of something new. Something fundamentally different about how sexuality is viewed. About how the act of following our desires can be reconciled with societal expectations. It is as if we see the potential in a broader awakening for ourselves, and for our friends. It is moving beyond the shallowness of how the culture represents sexuality—which today forces us to disintegrate sexuality and desire from our “normal” life. Like the sexy shops and strip clubs, open conversation among friends (or strangers) about sex is “closed for business” when the sun comes up.

In the course of every day, we go along our merry way assuming certain things about our friends and neighbors, while they have assumptions about us. And knowing what we know about ourselves, we can say that our friends likely have widely wrong assumptions about us. Not only would do we think they’d be shocked at the half of what we’ve done, but they also wouldn’t have even thought of the other half. That’s not to brag, or suggest that we are “slutty,” but simply to reflect that the life and experiences of a non-monogamous couple fall well outside the reality of monogamers (yes, I’m making up a word here to turn monogamy into a noun).

The thing is that during the day, we see things in a certain light. We see friends going through their daily routines without stopping to think much about the broader context of their lives. Back to the light of day metaphor, we may consider that it is the shadow that provides the perspective to really understand an object. So how do we open ourselves to a more complete examination, one that includes sexuality as a factor in our everyday behavior? How do we open conversations with others? Can we provide clues to our ”shadows”? And what do we do if they don’t like the full perspective? You can’t take the shadow away.

Another interesting, and infinitely less esoteric, example is how we typically differentiate friends as being “vanilla." For the uninitiated, it’s the term non-monogamers (aka, swingers or lifestyle friends) assign to monogamers. It implies predictability. Plainness. We’ve heard it extended slightly to “vanilla with sprinkles” to connote a couple that may be monogamous, but is slightly more open to discussing sexuality and sexual interests openly.

We host a number of parties at our home that involve both non-monogamer and vanilla friends. We have always been sure to note to the non-monogamer friends that it is a mixed party. The implication is that those of us who are open sexually must adapt our behavior. The problem is that it is an adaptation to the lowest common denominator. That is, the baseline expectation that sex is an off-limits point of discussion. It’s not that all the “vanilla” friends should be non-monogamous, or interesting sexually (I can only think of one vanilla friend that I would really like to see Ginger sleep with). Instead, I simply observe that it is increasingly difficult to put the lid on topics that I find interesting. Integrated conversations are so much more stimulating. How do you think this transition would go over at one of our mixed events: “So you like to sail. . .can you teach me some knots? Ginger and I really enjoy rope play. . .”?

Our parties have also taken some interesting turns. Like at the last party, some of the vanilla friends started inquiring about how other lifestyle friends met us. Apparently meeting new people as an adult is so unusual to some that it piques vanilla curiosity. On the other hand, it makes me wonder. Are they really vanilla? Or have we inadvertently assumed that they are monogamous? It begs the larger question: Is “vanilla” more a reflection of what we don’t know? That is, are you vanilla until proven otherwise?

(cut to bedroom scene, swingers assembled on bed, in various stages of undress)

“Members of the jury…you’ve heard the evidence in regards to the prospect of inviting the Deckers to one of our parties, but remember that you must conclude, beyond a reasonable doubt, that Tom and Trina are in fact, not-vanilla.”

The problem with feeling like one is on the edge—as exciting as the next sexual revolution will be—is the fear of what’s on the other side. Ginger and I often discuss is the ‘if or when’ we come out. We would prefer letting all of those around us know how we chose to live our lives. And if they are interested, why we’ve chosen this path. And how it has enriched our relationship. Yet, we are also very mindful of the risks. The expectation of sameness—of being vanilla—can be crushing. It can bring consequences personally and professionally. It can affect not only us, but others that we love. In sexuality research, there is the concept of heterosexual privilege. At its core, if one looks het and behaves het, then one is treated in a very different way than others who look and act gay.

In the world of non-monogamy, looking and acting vanilla is a warm and reassuring cover. Throwing away vanilla-privilege may make us feel cold and exposed at times. . .but then again, most times the covers come off, things end up being hot and steamy. And maybe, just maybe, we will be surprised by others we’ve assumed to be vanilla . . .beyond a reasonable doubt.

Sometimes the Strangest Things Happen

From the Desk of the Professor:

Sometimes the strangest things happen.

When one has been in or around the Lifestyle for a while, you can get de-sensitized to things that may freak 'normal' people out. Like the time we were explaining to our first third (as in female partner, not as in First Third banking) about what swinger parties were like. She had never been to a party and though she was going to be with us, she was naturally apprehensive. Well, Ginger and I explained that the parties were very much like "normal" parties: people socialized and danced, except that it was often difficult by the end of the night to figure out who is partnered with whom. As a side note: Ginger has introduced me as the 'guy over there kissing the sexy woman' on more than one occasion. I suppose that is also different than most parties too.

Well as it turns out, the party our friend attended with us was over-the-top craziness. It happened to be on a boat and apparently we were in International waters because before too long, most everyone on the boat had removed more than one article of clothing. There was the female, buff plumber who kept doing pull ups on the canopy--completely naked. With the motion of the boat and the accumulated alcohol, it was a veritable free-for-all with dancing and groping. Then there was the couple having mindless sex--reverse cowgirl--while looking for who would be 'next'. Yikes! Not necessarily the easiest party to introduce your new female lover into the Lifestyle. In the end, she got comfortable and had a blast.

Sometimes the strangest things happen.

Fast forward now a couple of years. . .our first female lover is still very much a friend, but not active with us physically. About a year and a half ago, she started a monogamous relationship with another woman. We stay in touch. . .with occasional dinner and dancing. And then we find out from her new girlfriend that they share a mutual interest in the "pleasures of the occasional man." Now, I'm a man for THAT occasion. Sometimes the dancing gets pretty hot, but it's never boiled over into the bedroom. We have never been in a rush . . .if it happens, we know it will be a no-holds-barred-hot-sex-all-night kind of affair. If it doesn't happen, we're ok with that too.

Sometimes the strangest things happen.

So we're out on a date with some other Lifestyle friends and Ginger's phone rings. It's our former lover's girlfriend. Odd. Ginger excuses herself and takes the call. She returns with the kind of smirk that requires an explanation. She had missed the call, but listened to the voicemail. Our friends's girlfriend (who we have not had sex with) wants to introduce us to a 'couple-friend' of hers. It was quite an interesting message as she struggled to find the words--"um, they are interested in, um, you know, um, extracurricular activities. . .and I thought of you." Apparently, she's now recruiting for Team Ginger and The Professor.

To recap, our former lover's girlfriend hooked us up on a blind date with two of her friends (male and female). And ironically, the date, set for this Saturday, will be on a boat.

Sometimes the strangest things happen.

Give It Away Now

From the Desk of the Professor:

Ginger and I love hosting parties. We enjoy creating the intimate, sexy atmosphere for friends to enjoy an evening of release. We do not tend to consider the economics of swinging. How does one 'monetize the value' we provide? More directly, how do we avoid losing our shirts? That is, recovering our costs. We do enjoy losing our shirts, but that is another story. . .

In June and then again in July, we organized parties at local hotels with a select group of friends. Both parties went off without a hitch. Better than that, the chemistry at both parties was great, even as most of the people attending had not met each other previously. Ginger and I both believe in the abundance mindset--while other swinger friends keep their "favorite" friends to themselves, we put them all in the same room and see what happens. A grand social experiment of sorts. For ingredients we add three or four hot couples and a single female--yes, we even invite the proverbial unicorn--and voila, we end up with sex in every room and a fluid, open dynamic.

For entertainment, we tried Rock Band II for the first party. Not so sexy. Apparently, not everyone wants to be rock stars as bad as Ginger and me. While we put ourselves out there like the singer Pitbull ("I party like a rock star, play like an All Star, fuck like a porn star. . ."), others are less willing. Well, we are quick learners. So for the last party we changed over to Jenga. A custom-made sexy Jenga that is. We wrote all over the Jenga pieces with different actions, and it was the proverbial hit. The penalty for knocking over the pieces was removing an article of clothing. The first round went great. There was kissing, touching, telling, and polling (such as "when did you lose your virginity?"). The second round went great, but with the increased heat in the room, the 'action' items needed to be kicked up a notch. So a word of advice: you may want to create your own warm up Jenga set, and then the 'advanced' action set for the second round. It may go without saying, but we didn't get past the second round. . .

Out of both experiences, we were left with not only a profound sense of satisfaction--sexual and social--but also a significantly lighter wallet. Since we live in a vacation area, summer room rates are even higher than usual. After the first party, we realized that people wouldn't necessarily offer to contribute toward the room. So for the second party, we explicitly asked in the invitation. Because everyone from the first party came back and there were some new couples, we had to upgrade to a larger room. We didn't update the party costs to reflect the higher room rates. And even then, not everyone paid.

So the point of sharing these experiences in the blogosphere? Perhaps to get some advice in the economics of swinging. Our problem is that we would rather focus our energy on creating the best experience for our friends--at nearly any cost. Yet, this realistically can't be a viable long-term strategy. But then again, when I think of seeing Ginger being pleased, over and over, the benefits are so much more than the costs!

"What I've got you've got to get it put it in you
Reeling with the feeling don't stop continue"
-Red Hot Chili Peppers

The Drunk Dial

From the Desk of the Professor:

So Ginger and I have been talking for some time about the idea of blogging and, ultimately, podcasting. While we are both busy professionals and we like to keep things as simple as possible, we are passionate about our sex life (no pun intended) and we believe that sharing our perspectives can be both cathartic and stimulating.

Yes, I do intellectualize most everything. . .there is a reason that "The Professor" is an appropriate pen name. Maybe even more than one reason ;) But there is a time when try as I might, the experience just takes over. Like the first time I watched Ginger with another woman. For three hours. With no interaction. And it was the best sex I never had. That was an experience. In the immortal words of Crash Davis (Bull Durham): "Don't think, Meat, it can only hurt the ballclub."

Then again, you must always have a presence of mind, especially when you get drunk dialed. Apparently Crash wouldn't have been a very good swinger. . .

Some backstory is in order: We met Ginger's first female friend on Craigslist over three years ago already. We were so green to non-monogamy that we had no idea how rare it was to successfully use CL to connect with a real, let alone suitable, let alone extremely intelligent and sexy lady. She identified as a lesbian who enjoyed the occasional man, and that was right up our alley. We had many great times, both in and out of the bedroom. And for all the inquiring minds--yes, I was invited to join them in what turned out to be a very strong three-way sexual connection. But I digress. . .(re-focusing thoughts)

Our friend has been in a relationship with another woman for a little over a year. We see them regularly as a couple, and despite a healthy dose of sexual tension amongst all four of us, it's never spilled over to the bedroom. They've always expressed a keen interest in our adventures, and we invite them regularly to functions we host. We would never consider propositioning them. . .instead, simply enjoying their company (and having some good healthy fantasy sex involving both of them afterwards!). So last night comes the drunk dial. With a twist.

Sundays may not be a typical day for partying, but with a local festival wrapping up, it appeared to be a good time for our friends. Ginger and I were happily hanging out--post orgasmic in fact--when the phone rings and our friend announces that her and GF are coming over for a hot tub. Well, that sounds promising. Even at 11 pm on a Sunday. Complication number one: it appears that they are not alone; instead, they'll be bringing a single male friend along as well. In and of itself, not an overwhelming problem, though we don't typically invite single men we've never met over to our house. As Ginger is processing this with GF, complication number two comes to light: GF is not really "in" to the idea of being sexual, or having her partner be sexual, with this guy. And the couple hadn't talked in advance about the scenario or their boundaries. It was make-it-up-on-the-fly time with alcohol involved. That's a deal breaker.

To Ginger's absolute credit, she moved past the immediate excitement and prospect of engaging with two sexy ladies. She was able to see what many others would not have. Our friends thought of us when seeking a safe, secure place to explore. A true compliment. Ginger saw our friends risking too much in their own relationship, without a foundation of shared expectations. A true act of friendship.