Wait for it. . .wait for it. . .

The Prof and I have some fun, sexy times scheduled into the calendar over the next few months: great parties, a hot trip and a few dates sprinkled in between. Sounds fantastic! The trick is, in the meantime, we have all-vanilla-all-the-time. This has been causing me angst. As it is, I'm not known for my patience, maybe for corsets or really dirty Dirty Martinis, but certainly not my patience.

So to cope with my raw impatience and subsequent angst, I am reframing my angst as delicious anticipation. Isn't it true that at least part of the enjoyment of sexy fun is the anticipation of said fun? Anticipation comes in various forms. I have chosen three of my favorites.

• Fantasy! Whenever we have sexy fun on the horizon, The Prof and I undoubtedly spend time in the hot tub or in bed talking about all the hotties we look forward to seeing at the upcoming party and all the fun friends we have yet to meet. How can this anticipatory dialogue not turn into an enthusiastic and spectacular romp? The thing is, it is indeed fantasy. . .we aren't planning our seductions or expecting any particular action. We are gleaning every bit of pleasure and every single orgasm out of the luscious anticipation without one bit of expectation of with whom, if anyone, we actually play on party night.

• Flirting! I love to flirt: the clever and leading banter, the casual, yet pointed, touching, the steamy eye contact. . .oh, yum! Flirting is the embodiment of anticipation. That feeling of trying someone on, the give and take of blossoming arousal, is an integral part of the seduction dance. As an advanced flirter, you know that flirting is just as sexy when it is just for flirting's sake. That anticipation and potential sexual energy may become kinetic later in the evening or months from now. Either way, the anticipation works its magic and you find yourself turned on.

• Foreplay! Oh my. . .the slower and more deliberate, the better, as far as I am concerned! Foreplay is just delicious: hot breath on my neck, strong hands grasping my hips, touching those often overlooked erogenous zones like wrists, behind the knees and the lower back. Mmmm. . .yeah. A relaxed, patient lover is a confident lover. And I know what that usually means for me: more orgasms! Anticipation while playing heightens orgasmic response. Orgasm edging, getting your partner almost there then letting the feeling subside only to bring them close again (and again), is experiencing anticipation in its most raw and sensual embodiment. The reward for enduring such anticipation is the amazing pleasure of the prolonged build up of the physiological sexual cocktail of hormones as well as a mind-blowing orgasm (or two or three. . .).

Wow! On that note, it seems as though I convinced myself of the virtues of anticipation. Truthfully, I am not feeling much more patient despite those virtues. However, I am willing to get as much pleasure as I can from the anticipation knowing that the experiences themselves will be that much hotter.

The risks of intellectual foreplay.

One of the great pleasures The Prof and I enjoy about gathering with new sexy friends is the potential for fun, informative and intelligent conversation. We enjoy friends who have a take, who are multifaceted and have a perspective on the world that reaches beyond the bedroom, especially when they are willing to share. The Prof and I have dubbed this exchange "intellectual foreplay."

Many of us get turned on by a hot, sexy mind within a hot, sexy body. For us, it is the penultimate to connect with lovers intellectually as well as carnally. Our desire for intellectual foreplay leads us to appear slow to warm up, perhaps. Really, we are just listening mindfully to the perspectives of potential lovers and allowing the intellectual foreplay to spark a smolder that will indeed ignite fire in the bedroom. That is how we relate to one another, so it is not a surprise that we relate to other potential lovers that way.

The idea of a smart, heated debate about a controversial issue of the day and learning a potential lover's perspective on the world initiates that smolder, but also lends a depth to the erotic connection. The discovery that within that hot body lies a creative photographer, a passionate libertarian or driven environmentalist bolsters chemistry that already exists and prompts an appreciation of the whole person. Not that there is anything wrong with a carnal passion alone, however, The Prof and I find a body and mind connection inspires the most passion.

The Prof and I both seek the multifaceted connection and tend to attract others who do. The tricky part about cultivating a multifaceted connection with lovers is you may likely discover you don't see eye-to-eye on issues you are each passionate about. As I reflect on the passionate conversations I have had with lovers, I do find myself allowing the honorable disagreement over controversial and political issues to creep in. Upon reflection, this leaves me wondering if I am "politickist." Meaning I am discriminating against these lovers based on their political beliefs. Have I come to the place where I declare, "Sorry, I only fuck liberals."?

Is it better to just leave these issues alone? For many people in the Lifestyle, they follow the proven advice for work and family gatherings to simply leave religion and politics out of it. Perhaps, that is the wisest course of action. It certainly takes the chance of fundamental disagreement over important issues off the table. If it is a relationship built on sexual connection, just stick to the sex. Abandon the intellectual foreplay despite the heat it may bring to the relationship.

Interestingly, I am finding my solution is exploring my personal values regarding how I view others and how engaged they are in the wider world. I am finding, although I may be a bit "politickist," I am willing to enjoy the passion gleaned from a heated debate despite which side we each come down upon, within reason, of course. The Prof and I find that the filter of who chooses to join the Lifestyle tends to only allow relatively tolerant people willing to accept that people have the right to live their lives the way they choose--live-and-let-live types.

Passion is passion. The Prof and I choose to honor the passion in our lovers when it is behind a thoughtful position despite the fact that we disagree. We recognize this approach isn't for everyone and is challenging to keep in check sometimes, but the benefit of the rich and passionate relationships outweighs the cost of accepting that there is much diversity of thought in the swingerverse.

Swingerverse versus the 'vanilla world'

"Ugh. Time to go back to the 'vanilla world.'"

Most of us in the Lifestyle have uttered those words the morning after a hot party or upon return from a Lifestyle vacation. The Prof and I have many times. Interestingly, it's not that we dread going back to our day-to-day lives. We love our work. We have a fun family life. We enjoy other activities unrelated to the Lifestyle. We have hot, edgy, satisfying sex together.

So what exactly is it that makes the "swingerverse" such a fantastic place to reside?

1. The swingerverse is amazing fun!

For most people, the swingerverse is the place you go to let go, relax and have fun. Planets in the swingerverse include Awesome House Party, Amazing Swing Club, Pampering Lifestyle Resort and Incredibly Hot Date. All of these planets are positively erotically charged and, therefore, are places where orgasms are plentiful. All swingerverse travelers should take care to avoid the planets High Drama Party and Dud Date as they are negatively erotically charged, so orgasms cannot exist in the brutal climate.

2. Traveling in the swingerverse can save you money.

Sure, as swingers there are certain required or desired expenses, like gorgeous lingerie, playful sex toys, copious bottled water, and hotel and resort accommodations. But consider this: All that combined is a drop in the bucket compared to the alleged $30,000 that monogamers like Tiger Woods need to spend for their all-night threesomes!

3. While traveling in the swingerverse, you travel light.

All you need is a carry-on bag full of that gorgeous lingerie, sex toys, condoms and hot shoes, of course. The last thing you want to be is overdressed.

4. You gain an entirely different sense of "normal" in the swingerverse.

One side effect of traveling in the swingerverse is returning to the "vanilla world" with an entirely different sense of what is "normal." You gain a wickedly warped sense of reality. In the vanilla world, it is not normal to share with the couple at the bar how hot their asses are, or how you are exhausted from orgasm overdose. It is also not normal to observe other people engaging in amazing oral action while getting hot to try out the inspired moves on your partner who happens to be passionately kissing the woman he told you earlier had stunning lips he had to kiss. Nope. Sorry. Not normal in the vanilla world. After traveling in the swingerverse, you will need to save all of your sexy swingerverse thoughts and observations to share only with fellow travelers.

5. Swingerverse travelers become discerning pornography consumers.

Be aware of this swingerverse side effect: After traveling in and experiencing the swingerverse, you will become, well, pornography snobs. You will only enjoy the very best pornography out there created by inspired visionary pornographers like Tristan Taormino, Madison Young and a few others. The fact is your typical Saturday night is hotter than the hottest contrived pornography scene, so most pornography loses its luster.

6. Fellow swingers are generally open, friendly and fun.

Swingers, whether they are intimate friends or not, generally are just open, friendly and interested in making new friends. It's like living in Minnesota where everyone is nice! It is enjoyable and interesting to talk to people willing to share something of themselves and who are genuinely interested in getting to know you. Sure, there may be an underlying desire to bed you in spectacular fashion after they learn all the wonderfully interesting things about you. In the swingerverse, this is acknowledged and acceptable, so no worries. This is not to suggest that the only reason any one swinger is listening to another is just listening long enough to get in each other's pants. On the contrary, when all subjects, including sex and sexuality, are on the table, it allows us to get to know one another more intimately and thoroughly making for a more complete picture of who we really are.

7. You can really be yourself.

The swingerverse is a place full of welcoming, accepting people. In it exist all types. It is the place where your inhibitions can melt away and you can truly be yourself.

8. Traveling in the swingerverse is about the journey, not the destination.

Employing a Hallmark card saying to wrap up these musings on the swingerverse is not my typical tone. However, the fact remains that swingerverse travelers really enjoy the journey. The no expectations, work hard/play hard, enjoy every minute philosophy pervades the culture.

Certainly, this generalization focuses on the amazing positives of the swingerverse. But if you are honest, communicative and really know what you want, traveling the swingerverse can be out of this world.

The benefits of being a leading man.

The Prof and I have such a fun community of non-monogamous friends. We regularly, but not often enough, gather the friends together in a party atmosphere. We also enjoy awesome, hot couple's dating as much as we can, especially within that group of sexy friends.

We have crazy hot chemistry with one couple that lives a significant distance away. Given the geographic challenge, the stars have to align perfectly to facilitate a date with these hotties. Oh, the bliss and pleasure when the stars align!

During our last date, a spectacular turn of sexy events drew my attention to a phenomenon worthy of sharing for both educational and titillating purposes. Before diving right into it, perhaps a little foreplay, I mean, backstory is necessary.

[Cut to scene of rocking, awesome party.] The Prof and I met this hottie couple at our favorite swing party on Halloween. The initial interaction was conversation and some sexy dancing between me and, I'll call her, Katy. We clearly had immediate chemistry before we even shared with one another that we are both bisexual. The dancing and roaming hands spoke for themselves. While we were dancing and chatting, there was plenty of laughing and sharing about our experiences with women in the Lifestyle.

We concurred that declaring oneself "bisexual" while swinging encompasses a broad continuum of comfortable behavior: from being okay with sexy dancing and nothing else, to the almost rare pursuit of exclusively female-on-female-every-which-way-you-can-think-of sex. Katy and I teasingly discovered of one another that we both crave sexy women in all the hot, sweaty, creative ways possible. Score for me!

One of the challenges I have discovered in the Lifestyle is that being a passionately bisexual woman can lead to awkward moments and the female equivalent of blue balls: "blue va-jay-jay," as Oprah would call it. So to actually meet a wildly sexy, equally passionate bisexual woman with whom I have chemistry is almost a jackpot. Time to meet and introduce the partners. . .oh please, please, please let there be four-way chemistry.

[Cut back to the party now.] Katy and I part to gather the men to facilitate introductions only to find happily they have already made the discovery of us on the dance floor and have struck up a conversation. (I mean, really, I'm sure no one could have missed us on the dance floor, right? ::wink::) As we walk over, I make eye contact with, I'll call him Carter, and feel instant erotic electricity. Oh, so score for me!

The four of us continue to have awesome conversation and flirt, although I still haven't checked in with The Prof about where his chemistry is with Katy. When we do connect, The Prof shares he wasn't sure where the chemistry was with Katy--leaving the possibility for more fun and flirting to check the reciprocity of the chemistry. We continue to enjoy the dancing and the flirting and end up moving in a different direction that night.

[Cut to the next party.] The Prof and I spot Katy and Carter across the room and make our way over. We all greet one another with enthusiasm and lingering hugs and kisses; the four-way chemistry was immediately obvious. The Prof was noticeably more forward with Katy and they had an exchange I didn't catch then shared a laugh. Hmmm. . .intriguing.

What I haven't yet shared is that at the Halloween party, The Prof was dressed, very convincingly, as a rapper: the modern thug-looking rapper, complete with multiple neck tattoos, hat cocked to the side, pants hanging low. Apparently, that is not Katy's type and she shared with The Prof that she was delightedly relieved to note his transformation. The transformation that resulted in the elusive four-way chemistry. Score for us all!

[Cut to trendy downtown district then hotel room.] We made a date and got together for an awesome night of drinks, dinner, dancing and, gasp, playing. It was so much fantastic fun leading us ultimately to our hotel room. I'll admit that by the time we made it there the attraction I was feeling toward Katy was at the boiling point. With no hesitation, I began kissing her and we began to play slowly and sensuously.

Typically, in a foursome experience, I would encourage communication among everyone before the action gets rolling. Unfortunately, this was a step that I neglected. Although I trusted that The Prof, who is very familiar with the female-female dynamic, would simply enjoy observing and watching me please and be pleased. The angle I didn't consider is the perspective of Carter who is open and giving, but not yet experienced with this dynamic.

While Katy and I were wrapped up in one another, The Prof was patiently staying in the moment knowing and anticipating the spoils of the partner of a bisexual woman after a hot female-female experience. Carter, however, was at a bit of a loss. After watching for a bit, he attempted to gently enter into the dynamic, but it just wasn't right yet.

The erotic arc between Katy and me hadn't yet run its course. I certainly wouldn't have objected to Carter's advances at all. I was anticipating playing with him as much as Katy. After a few attempts, he smilingly encouraged The Prof to get in the mix too. At which point, The Prof assured him, "Patience, brother, our time will come and you will be so glad you were patient."

Indeed, it would and indeed he was! After Katy and I had exhausted the entire sexual repertoire known to women, we turned our heightened desire toward the two very lucky men. They were then put through their paces by two seriously turned on, revved up lovers. Call it outsourced foreplay. Not that either of them were looking to get out of it!

In our experience, The Prof and I have discovered the phenomenon that a sustained female-female dynamic results in an intense desire on the part of the women for penetration of some kind. This phenomenon is supported in sexological research. And, happily, in a heterosexual couple foursome dynamic, there are two gorgeous, erect cocks ready just when the women want them.

For the male partners of bisexual women, playing that supporting role during focused female-female play may take some time to get used to. Further, sometimes the interest of the group is more focused on integrated foursome play, which is also crazy hot. The difference is communication about everyone's desires and honoring that. When the women express clear desire for an exclusively female dynamic for a stretch, it is practically guaranteed that the men's patience and benevolent restraint in the supporting role will be rewarded with some seriously hot attention after the women play.

So, all you men out there with bisexual partners, consider that often a solid performance in a supporting role leads to the utterly satisfying, demanding and sometimes exhausting role of leading man. I know you are up for it!

Mmmm...mmm...oh...uh...huh...yeah...yeah...YES!

It seems as though I have been inundated with exposure to all things female orgasm lately: personal conversations, news articles, books, research, podcasts. . . I have gleaned a number of titillating and novel insights from these various sources, but first my personal perspective.

Any and all orgasms are good orgasms. Interestingly, the history of the researched female orgasm includes a debate, initiated by Freud, about which orgasm is the best orgasm ably alluded to most recently here by Domina Doll and in the presentation in question, this Dodson and Ross video.

It seems to me that this debate about orgasms is a lot like a debate about the comparative value of varietals of chocolate. We certainly all have our preferences among the options, but isn't the bottom line that chocolate is fantastic?

Unfortunately, among the sexually less-enlightened, many women must be convinced that orgasms have a place in their lives at all. This is particularly true for the many partnered women who have handed over their sexuality to their male partners for his sole pleasure. Sad, but true. Those women hold a special place in my heart. They are the women I feel most passionately about sharing the perspective that orgasms have value in their lives and how to get to that place where they own their sexuality.

So, with that said, I encourage support for experiencing any and all orgasms in any way and for any reason you get to "O." The following is some "juicy" orgasmic trivia:

Orgasmic Fun Fact #1: Orgasms have life prolonging potential.

One way to share the message for the widest possible audience to hear it is to point to the fact that research has shown that the mere experience of orgasms prolongs your life! Is there anyone who can argue against that? Granted the research is not broad (yet), but any research that shows that something wildly pleasurable and utterly safe prolongs my life is research to follow in my book.

Orgasmic Fun Fact #2: Some research has shown the wealthier the male partner, the more orgasms to expect.

Researchers at Newcastle University who are studying the utility of the female orgasm have found a connection between wealth of a male partner and the frequency of orgasm for their female partners. According to this study, the ability to make a living and an orgasm are connected. They maintain it is an evolutionary adaptation for women to seek "high-quality" mates with financial success and the ability to give orgasms as indicators of quality. Clearly, I need to create a seminar for men entitled: "The Way to Financial Success is Through Her Clitoris" or "How to Make Your First G-Spot Million."

Orgasmic Fun Fact #3: Orgasms can and do happen during childbirth.

The taboo connection between sex and childbirth has always puzzled me. I mean, really, how did most of us end up getting here in the first place? Likely after 40 weeks or so after our moms got it on. When that time comes, women are culturally conditioned to believe that childbirth is the most excruciating experience they will ever go through. However, as many birth attendants will tell you, when women are allowed to experience natural childbirth (which is becoming more rare in the U.S.) orgasms can and do happen. So there it is. It isn't my preferred route to the big O, but for those of you that can make it happen, I say "hells yeah, sister!"

Orgasmic Fun Fact #4: Sexologists can ascertain whether a woman orgasms vaginally by how she walks.

A study done by researchers in Scotland and Belgium showed that trained sexologists could tell 80% of the time whether a woman experienced vaginal orgasms. The correlation is connected to a longer, fluid, more confident stride. Now the reality is that their are layers of complex connection here that I could take hours to dive into from a sexological perspective. But I'll save that for another time. I will second Suzie Heumann's prescription that women who are interested in broadening their orgasmic repertoire to include the vaginal orgasm should include fun activities that increase their pelvic flexibility and movement. And plenty of Kegels can only help.

Orgasmic Fun Fact #5: We have so much to learn about the female orgasm.

I am supportive of all the research we can possibly do on the female orgasm. Every single woman is capable of and deserves to have as many orgasms as she can! In the meantime, read The Science of Orgasm to brush up on your scientific knowledge to date.

Orgasmic Fun Fact #6: There are infinite ways to reach orgasm. Try them all!

Now is the experiential part of the presentation. Go have fun!

Loving the heat and the hot sun too!

Oh so HOT here in Miami! With so many sexy vibes, I'm diving in with my first blog post. The Prof does such a fantastic job sharing our thoughts and perspective, it has taken a catalyst like Swingfest to get me fired up to write.

One fact is crystal clear when in a place where every one is a swinger: this atmosphere is the ultimate comfort for those of us with an alternative sexual lifestyle. Chatting with other swingers the theme that always comes through is how relaxing and enjoyable it is to be yourself, fully and completely. There is so much value in that. Those of you who haven't yet ventured into a swingers-only venue, you absolutely must take the plunge. You will be so glad you did. Swingers are generally the most open, communicative and friendly people you will meet!

Personally, seeing people in their truly natural sexual state, being their authentic sexual selves, is one of my favorite things. The freedom people exhibit when they know they are accepted just as they are is beautiful. It is the way we should be able to relate everywhere, including the vanilla world. Unfortunately that is not currently the case culturally. So until we evolve culturally to the place of accepting that sexuality and the right to enjoy it is an integral part of who we all are, we the sexually enlightened gather as often as possible in the few havens for free sexual expression.

In local swing clubs, at places like Hedonism, Desire and a resort we just learned about this trip, Caliente, you can be yourself wholly and completely. You can share your sexuality far and wide. Now that means different things for different people from voyeurism and petting while watching to an orgy experience. The one guarantee is that it is all on your terms. The swinger mantra "no means no" is honored. You can have the experience you want whatever that means for you.

The Prof and I have enjoyed this atmosphere and have learned from the experiences. The bottom line for the very hottest time is to communicate clearly with everyone in your orbit.

If you are sexy dancing with someone and that is as far as you would like to take it, say so.

If you want to take things further, there is nothing more fun than a well-thought-out proposition like, "You are turning me on so much dancing. I would love to feel your sexy hips moving under me like that. Would you like to come to my room?" Obviously, if you are partnered, you have already communicated with your partner about such an arrangement. Now it is time to give that person time to communicate with their partner if they have one.

Knowing that when you proposition someone or a couple that we all share the same right to enjoy the sex we want and when we want it. A simple no is an acceptable answer for anyone and everyone. That is part of the beauty of free sexual expression. Don't read into a declined invitation. Let it be and move on. Know that you are amazing and sexy and only the right experiences for you will come to pass.

When the right experience does happen it is the ultimate satisfaction. Watching people last night in the group playrooms alone can get me off, but when you become a part of that energy it is wild. The Prof and I enjoyed each other last night with sexy people watching. Just feeling their arousal through their eyes on me was just the edge I needed. Hearing the sounds of other hotties being satisfied in so many creative ways builds the heat between The Prof and me.

The Prof always sends me into uncharted sexual territory. His nuanced knowledge of my desires due to our strong communication as well as his masterful ability to play my body like his own personal musical instrument leads to the hottest times every time. Last night he would get me to the very edge of a powerful orgasm and leave me there with no resolution. When he knew that the next time he built up my desire was the time, he intentionally brought me over the edge into two wild climaxes. Both much stronger and satisfying than if he had just given me what I wanted the first time. The Prof just knows.

As I write the sun has come back out, the music from the pool is calling and The Prof is probably finishing his workout. It is time for me to get out into the Miami sun before I really get the full experience of the heat again tonight!

Beyond a Reasonable Doubt?

Ginger and I often discuss the feeling that we—both personally and culturally—are at the beginning of something new. Something fundamentally different about how sexuality is viewed. About how the act of following our desires can be reconciled with societal expectations. It is as if we see the potential in a broader awakening for ourselves, and for our friends. It is moving beyond the shallowness of how the culture represents sexuality—which today forces us to disintegrate sexuality and desire from our “normal” life. Like the sexy shops and strip clubs, open conversation among friends (or strangers) about sex is “closed for business” when the sun comes up.

In the course of every day, we go along our merry way assuming certain things about our friends and neighbors, while they have assumptions about us. And knowing what we know about ourselves, we can say that our friends likely have widely wrong assumptions about us. Not only would do we think they’d be shocked at the half of what we’ve done, but they also wouldn’t have even thought of the other half. That’s not to brag, or suggest that we are “slutty,” but simply to reflect that the life and experiences of a non-monogamous couple fall well outside the reality of monogamers (yes, I’m making up a word here to turn monogamy into a noun).

The thing is that during the day, we see things in a certain light. We see friends going through their daily routines without stopping to think much about the broader context of their lives. Back to the light of day metaphor, we may consider that it is the shadow that provides the perspective to really understand an object. So how do we open ourselves to a more complete examination, one that includes sexuality as a factor in our everyday behavior? How do we open conversations with others? Can we provide clues to our ”shadows”? And what do we do if they don’t like the full perspective? You can’t take the shadow away.

Another interesting, and infinitely less esoteric, example is how we typically differentiate friends as being “vanilla." For the uninitiated, it’s the term non-monogamers (aka, swingers or lifestyle friends) assign to monogamers. It implies predictability. Plainness. We’ve heard it extended slightly to “vanilla with sprinkles” to connote a couple that may be monogamous, but is slightly more open to discussing sexuality and sexual interests openly.

We host a number of parties at our home that involve both non-monogamer and vanilla friends. We have always been sure to note to the non-monogamer friends that it is a mixed party. The implication is that those of us who are open sexually must adapt our behavior. The problem is that it is an adaptation to the lowest common denominator. That is, the baseline expectation that sex is an off-limits point of discussion. It’s not that all the “vanilla” friends should be non-monogamous, or interesting sexually (I can only think of one vanilla friend that I would really like to see Ginger sleep with). Instead, I simply observe that it is increasingly difficult to put the lid on topics that I find interesting. Integrated conversations are so much more stimulating. How do you think this transition would go over at one of our mixed events: “So you like to sail. . .can you teach me some knots? Ginger and I really enjoy rope play. . .”?

Our parties have also taken some interesting turns. Like at the last party, some of the vanilla friends started inquiring about how other lifestyle friends met us. Apparently meeting new people as an adult is so unusual to some that it piques vanilla curiosity. On the other hand, it makes me wonder. Are they really vanilla? Or have we inadvertently assumed that they are monogamous? It begs the larger question: Is “vanilla” more a reflection of what we don’t know? That is, are you vanilla until proven otherwise?

(cut to bedroom scene, swingers assembled on bed, in various stages of undress)

“Members of the jury…you’ve heard the evidence in regards to the prospect of inviting the Deckers to one of our parties, but remember that you must conclude, beyond a reasonable doubt, that Tom and Trina are in fact, not-vanilla.”

The problem with feeling like one is on the edge—as exciting as the next sexual revolution will be—is the fear of what’s on the other side. Ginger and I often discuss is the ‘if or when’ we come out. We would prefer letting all of those around us know how we chose to live our lives. And if they are interested, why we’ve chosen this path. And how it has enriched our relationship. Yet, we are also very mindful of the risks. The expectation of sameness—of being vanilla—can be crushing. It can bring consequences personally and professionally. It can affect not only us, but others that we love. In sexuality research, there is the concept of heterosexual privilege. At its core, if one looks het and behaves het, then one is treated in a very different way than others who look and act gay.

In the world of non-monogamy, looking and acting vanilla is a warm and reassuring cover. Throwing away vanilla-privilege may make us feel cold and exposed at times. . .but then again, most times the covers come off, things end up being hot and steamy. And maybe, just maybe, we will be surprised by others we’ve assumed to be vanilla . . .beyond a reasonable doubt.