Being Open About Being Open

This past weekend, Gin and I had the great experience of joining the rest of the podcasters from Life on the Swingset in San Francisco. We've always had a great time when we traveled to San Francisco...and this past weekend didn't disappoint.


The highlight for me was watching the Swingset crew do their first ever live podcast. It also happened to be the first time that they were all in the same room, having recorded scores of episodes virtually in the past. The chemistry didn't disappoint and they led a lively discussion about "progressive swinging" among an audience that largely identified as polyamorous. 


Ginger is such a rock star. I feel great compersion when she shares this with others as freely as it flows, without hesitation. She is happiest when serving others--emotionally in this case, but yes, sexually too. In the course of the discussion, Ginger challenged us to be true to who we are and to represent this freely to others. An audience member commented that a woman wearing a harness and sporting a dildo is not a common sight at a swinger party. To which Ginger replied, "Fuck them. Put your harness on and be proud. I do." 


In fact, she does. 


Tristan Taormino was in the audience and supported the importance of "progressive swinging" to improve the rights and protections that we share with all non-monogamous people. She also noted that the research shows many more swingers identify as being conservative in their politics. Again, Gin made a great point that she takes every opportunity she can to open the minds of our conservative friends--that we should engage them in the shared worldview of sexuality and find the "teaching moments" to challenge their politics in other areas. 


In fact, she does this often too. 


She does all of this and yet, she cannot be completely open about who she is. This kills her. Though in true Ginger fashion, no one would ever know it. The reality is that she does it to protect me. Like many, the risks of coming out are simply too great for our situation. It literally brought Ginger to tears during the OpenSF presentation.


Someday, baby. I promise.

Fill Your Vessel

There is no better place from which to blog than from one of the beach side beds at Desire—where we happen to be parked at this very moment. Professional bloggers? Absolutely…as long as we are constantly surrounded by naked people who inspire us to write!

Without fail, John and Allie from Swingercast have pulled together a great group—familiar friends and many more newly created. We also re-met many people who are not part of the group, but vacation here the same time every year. We’ve received some very sweet feedback on our writing, which always inspires more.

One friend commented on one of the most recent posts, Sexy Is as Sexy Does, and shared that it helped her overcome some of her own hang-ups and branch out. It’s easy to write about how to move beyond our self-limiting thoughts, but to do it takes real courage!

(one hour later) Ok, so one of the hazards of writing at Desire on the beach beds is the impromptu discussions. Ginger and I just had one of the best this week with Earl and Lynna, who are new(er) to the Lifestyle and on their first trip to Desire. They’re clearly in harmony with each other, they’re smart and have it together…just the kind of people we love chatting with. Ron and Melina the other day at lunch. Bill and Kiersten (who we have about a thousand open conversation threads to tidy up in the next couple of days). Joe and Kathy. John and Rickie. And many more to seek out and keep connecting.

So many of the conversations have touched on themes that inspire us…to look deeper. Reflecting on where we are and what we are continuing to create. What’s held us back and what other people seem to struggle with regularly.

Out of many of these discussions and observations we’re imparting a New Rule (in the vein of the comedian Bill Maher): Self-limiting thoughts must never get in the way of what (or who) you want. That is pretty nerdy. Let’s try this variation: If you find yourself wanting to be different and you don’t have the chance to fix it right then, you have to let it go or else it’ll inhibit you. Hmmm, better but still not very simple.

Criticism kills. That's something we can remember.

It kills your confidence if you’re critical of yourself. It kills the mood. It kills your connection with your partner. Left to fester, it kills relationships.

When you hang out with naked people all day, it’s easy to be critical, particularly of yourself. There is always somebody that has something that you may wish you had. Body type. Size. Et cetera. Sadly, we see that even when people have taken matter into their own hands, or entrusted a surgeon to “fix” this or that…sometimes, it doesn’t seem to make a difference. They could have the perfect body on paper but lack all the self-confidence to be sexy in it.

Sometimes those types of enhancements or high intervention changes can bring about an improvement in self-confidence or mindset. The trick is not to count on it. Owning exactly what your body is, in every iteration, knowing that your sexy is deep inside and shines through regardless of the vessel truly sets you free.

Some people like their vessels shaped one way, others like vessels of all shapes and sizes, but we can agree that if it’s empty, we will be thirsty no matter what.

The good news is that it is as easy to accept as it is to criticize. It is a choice and we have to remember that. Constantly remind ourselves of it. The choice to accept is empowering. It helps us fill up our vessels.

With no leaky insecurities, we have more confidence in sharing what interests and inspires us. We can engage and interact dynamically…interesting and spontaneous conversations can erupt anywhere. Like here on the beach. Speaking of which, here comes someone now. Gotta go.

All Over the Place

Prof and I have been all over the place. Geographically. Emotionally. Relationally. It is pretty damn cool.

The hard part about being all over the place is we haven't been here writing. The cliche that we ethical sluts have to be excellent time managers is true. You've heard this from me before here in the blog. But we will triumph over the time crunch! Prof and I have too much fun sharing our perspectives here with you to let it fall off the radar. And, indeed, we have evolved so much since we started this entertaining little diversion, if anything we want to share more here for our own reflection. If you enjoy in the meantime, all the better!

So geographically we have been indulging in travel that takes us to hotbeds of sexiness in the most literal way possible. With two upcoming trips to Desire, presenting at the Open SF conference and catching up with hotties at places like Trapeze, there is no shortage of fun to be had. The beautiful thing is Prof and I get to do all of this together. In our day-to-day dynamic vanilla lives (which we love every minute of!), we unfortunately are drawn apart often by circumstance. It is a choice we make everyday to embrace our lives as they are, but also to maximize our opportunities to have fun together.

So a trip to the Trap or your local club is awesome for each of you, I'm sure. For us, it takes on a whole other dimension, not necessarily an urgency, but a chance to both be at a place where we can let go of the world for awhile and just be. You may identify with this too. It is a demonstration of our commitment to each other that our relationship comes first.

As bizarre as that may sound to the non-swing set, the time when we can let our hair down together in the midst and company of 'our people' is when we feel the most at ease. When we can embrace our nature and cut loose together, Prof and I connect in the deepest way. The fact that we are flirting with other people, building other relationships, sometimes being intimate with other people and enjoying the compersion of the whole process openly helps us feel whole.

Which brings me to the fact that emotionally we have been all over the place. As we evolve and experience deeper and deeper immersion into the ethically non-monogamous world, it is getting harder and harder to keep up the vanilla facade. I'll speak for myself here: After six plus years of an awesome, beautiful, fulfilling open relationship, feigning vanilla seems more and more obsolete. I'm tired of telling most of the story.

I'm moving closer and closer to being ready to tell it all. (Much to the relief of all those friends we have who are out and have led the way for us.) Of course, I want to do it on our terms in our time frame in consideration of those around us that we love who deserve to hear it from us first. But as I recently texted to Prof: "We have nothing to hide." Our relationship kicks ass. We love each other deeply. We have other partners. And it is awesome and complex and simply how we roll.

I remember having a conversation with Prof when we were about nine months into our open relationship and saying, "When we have been doing this for two years it will be easy to say to friends and family, 'This is just how our relationship works. You've known us this whole time. We are no different. Take it or leave it.'"

And it has been more than six years now. Six years. As exhilarated as our relationship and our other relationships make me, the experience of not sharing that with those we are closest to has worn me down. As it should, really. Everyone deserves to be who they truly are with everyone they love.

With our evolution and maturity of understanding of what energizes us about our open relationship, now relationally we are all over the place. We have some amazing couple friends we have been close to for over five years and have continued spending lovely time with them. We continue to party with a fantastically fun cast of characters with whom we text and flirt and dance and flirt some more. We also enjoy and get an erotic charge from just having them in our lives. We have a network of geographically remote friends that enrich our lives that we look forward to seeing when schedules and travel allow.

And now Prof and I have both begun, almost by accident, to embrace the experience of having erotically-charged friendships individually while still keeping each other informed. The process we moved through to land at this place has contributed a richness to our already incredible relationship that is impossible to describe. It is mindbending to discover that we hadn't summited the mountaintop. And likely we still haven't, which thrills me.

Thanks for following us all over the place. You are truly excellent company. We look forward to sharing the next leg of the journey too.

Sexy Is As Sexy Does

Sexy is defined by what we control, not by our natural "assets." When I think about what attracts me to someone else, it exclusively relates to the things that someone does, whether it's part of what they do regularly--exercise, eating right, reading, or their style, for example--or whether it is something one does in the interaction that made an impression--a touch, smile, a laugh or a verbal game of banter.

Most people obsess about the things that they can't control. I'm too tall/short, big/small, curvy/skinny, pale/dark. The list is endless. Problem is, they've got it all backwards. Focusing on these things keeps our minds distracted from the things that really make us sexy: attitude, appearance, and attention.

Ever seen someone across the room and thought they were the hottest person you've ever seen, only to meet them later and find them a dud? I have.

Ever started interacting with someone and found yourself wondering how this hottie had evaded your detection until now? Or being wildly turned on by someone that isn't in your "type" after you met them? Numerous times on both accounts.

Let's distinguish here between the eye-candy concept of sexy versus the I-want-to-fuck-you-like-an-animal kind of sexy. I'd argue that the former is not only superficial, but also a mostly vanilla concept. Appreciating the physical appearance of another person is the most a vanilla person will indulge him/herself--that image is all that is needed for the satisfaction. But the swinging crew needs much more to find satisfaction because it's infinitely more possible that they'll find themselves post-orgasmic and spent next to the person. And no amount of eye candy can overcome the awkwardness of trying to fill those empty conversational spaces when the other person is simply an empty vessel.

Attitude

By far, the most important part of sexy for me is attitude. Shy or outgoing? Doesn't matter to me, but when we engage, I'd like to see that you are comfortable in your own skin. Do you know what you like? Do you accentuate the things you like about yourself? Are you cheerful? Do you have a take (a.k.a, opinion)? Willing to engage in some intellectual foreplay, debating @Sexatdawn or the latest Savage Love advice?

Ginger and I have some friends we consider to be very dear to us. We've played with them more times than I've counted and it's always a great time. We have great chemistry and often hang at our club parties as four. In spite of all that history and chemistry, this last Halloween party we were hanging out at the hotel chatting with a bunch of couples after dancing at the club. The Mrs. sat down on the floor and started whining about being tired. SO NOT SEXY. That was enough to turn me off for the night...Ginger and I played alone that evening. Do I still think she is hot? Absolutely. But whining surely is not sexy.

Appearance

The most important thing about appearance is cleanliness. I know it may seem like a given, but it's surprising how many people overlook the basic steps. I also look for someone that is healthy--not a size or body shape--but someone that demonstrates that they take care of themselves. I've met curvy women that do triathlons (hot!) and petite women that smoke like chimneys (not!). Eat right, do yoga, read Four Hour Body...just do something that shows you care about yourself and your appearance. Finally, I really enjoy a sense of style. Sometimes the itty-bitty costumes can convey style, but sometimes it looks like they are just trying too hard. How about something that is suggestive and revealing, yet leaves something to the imagination, or better yet, leaves something for my later discovery? Now we're talking!

Attention

I'll keep this short: if you are interested in a connection with me, don't give me the "look-past." By this I mean the darting eyes and scanning of the room during a conversation. It's really pretty simple. If you're in a conversation with me, then BE in a conversation with me. Engage. On the other hand, If you'd like to check around and see who else is at the party, then by all means, feel free to do so. Never been offended by someone that has excused themselves from a conversation for ANY reason. Mingling. That's why they call it a party. The problem for me comes when you're in a conversation with me and mingling with your eyes. This says to me: "I am looking for a better option and will only stay in this conversation until I find one." I'll be all alpha here: I'm not a consolation prize.

So get your sexy on...own it, do it. Focus on your attitude, your appearance, your attention. Let go of all the other things you don't control. Then try it out. Or better yet, try it out on me. Find me on Twitter, on chat, at Desire (twice in 2012!), or at a club near you.

Deep Thoughts From Vanilla Exile

Whoa! Serious vanilla overdose!

So Prof and I have worked in a little bit of fun here and there, including the new experience of Prof attending a party with another sexy friend while I was out of town. (More on that forthcoming.) Other than that, it has been all vanilla all the time. Oh, wait, there was one sexy night of a bit of exhibitionism, and although lovely, it was quite short-lived.

Okay, so maybe not all vanilla all the time, but certainly a drastic downshift from our regular social calendar.

As we have moved through this vanilla phase, I’ve realized just how busy an ethical non-monogamist’s life actually is. Even though we haven’t had the time to actively date, we are still building and maintaining relationships that mean something to us. Some are long-time friends we miss. Some are new budding relationships that have fantastic promise. And some are just fun messages from brand new hotties we haven’t met yet, but would love to find the time to meet.

Despite the fact that we haven’t been dating, we are still trying to keep up with all of these sexies and treat them all with respect and devote the time they deserve. And, you know what? It is a challenge. Now, don’t take this as whining. It is simply an observation. We so enjoy cultivating fascinating and hot relationships, but having to take this time to step back from the frantic fun provides some perspective.

There is indeed validity in the monogamists questioning how in the world we swing/open/poly types make it work! And add in families, professional work, hobbies and the other minutiae that occupy our time and it is crazy. In a world where half of the couples can’t even keep their primary relationships together, who the hell are we to have awesome primary relationships and go trolling for more?!

People debate the concept of ethical non-monogamy being a choice we make. Ahh well, when it comes down to it, Prof and I know it is simply how we are built. Individual people and discrete couples can decide for themselves how they roll. And we are all different, even within the swing/open/poly community everyone does it their own way. There are some, perhaps many, who know that they could easily choose to be monogamous. That’s cool. Whatever works for you…seriously awesome. Among other things, it will leave you with a lot more time on your hands to reappropriate.

What Prof and I have realized is that is not us. We are ethical non-monogamists inside and out. Could we choose to change our behavior and remain monogamous? Sure. Absolutely. We are strong-minded people. The difference is, if we did that, we would not truly be authentically ourselves. We would be trying to be people that we are not.

So here we are, in the midst of trying to cultivate and maintain rewarding, authentic and often sexy relationships, and it feels frenzied and sometimes we disappoint. But we do our best while being authentically who we are in all our imperfect, open-relationshippy glory.

We could certainly choose monogamy, but we choose to be ourselves totally and completely…our doing-the-best-we-can, ethically-nonmonogamous, ridiculously busy selves.

And it feels right.

A little motivation

It's been far, far too long since we've posted. We could easily blame it on a busy life, our highly programmed (vanilla) summer, or myriad other reasons. Yet, it occurred to me that what we may have been missing most was simply some motivation.

It's time to take matters into my own hands.

As I write, Ginger is laid out before me...wearing nothing but a collar and some temporary red marks on her porcelain skin from the touch of my hand and our new flogger. From this point on, she'll be telling us all a bit about her dirty little secrets. My job: continue to apply the right motivation. Let's see what happens...

To be in a place so raw and simple makes everything simple. Nothing else exists but what Prof wants. What Prof wants is my dirty little secrets. My truth as it exists right now is coaxed from me by his hardness against my body and the rope he is working around my ankle. The truth I'm sharing with you may or may not earn me orgasms tonight. And, I want them.

As both my legs strain against the ropes tied to the bed posts, I know I'm not going anywhere until you know my truth in this moment. The most secret of my secrets is I want many hands, many lips, many tongues. Any other time, every other time, I censor myself.

Only with the weight and sting of the flogger and potential promise of orgasms will I admit that I want to feel warm hardness all around me. Hands full, mouth full, hardness completely filling me. For their pleasure, not for mine. My pleasure lies in feeling full and manic and sinking deep into the feeling of too many bodies to count.

I want to be sated. I don't want to wonder if I have orgasms left to come. Pushed, stretched, tested, exhausted...I want to enjoy seeing and feeling each climax all around me, on me, yet know there is still more to come.

I want to feel skin against my skin with sweat mingling for the effort. I want to feel hands in my hair tightening and twisting, guiding me toward their pleasure over and over. Fully breathing, hips meeting hips, mouths meeting mouths, I want to feel everything and think nothing.

I want to hear their deep primal voices directing and demanding me. The space is thick with urgency and the scent of erotic intensity. The walls are gone. With every orgasm I want more, until all at once I don't.

I am open and exposed and prostrate. Then they are all gone...but Prof.

p.s. I added the picture of Ginger after she was all done, so hard at work...and yes, she did earn her orgasm ;)

The Shameless Walks of Shame

I suppose when you work at the front desk of a hotel you have likely seen a lot, especially on Saturday night. Well, Prof and I and some super sexy friends did our part in adding to the hotel front desk employees’ entertainment this past weekend.

We were very lucky to have been hosted on two consecutive nights by two crazy hot couples we met at Desire this year. They are actually friends with each other as well and are part of a group of friends who served as planning committee and erotic welcome wagon for us as we traveled to their fair city.

We looked forward to the visit with no expectations beyond that of delicious intellectual foreplay and the witty and flirty conversational attack, parry and riposte. Getting to cultivate relationships with friends we meet at Desire is so satisfying. It makes us realize that, although time spent at Desire can feel like traveling to another dimension, the relationships we start there are real and multidimensional when everyone wishes it to be so.

We enjoyed some truly spectacular sightseeing from the inside of two swank hotel rooms each night, thanks to these hottie locals!

On the first night, we were excited to meet up with our hottie local friends at a rocking rooftop bar. After what we all decided was one too many rounds of drinks to be patient through, we walked over to the next more exciting venue: the hotel. While waiting in the lobby to go up to the room, He and I were getting overly friendly. Prof was providing Her with moral support while she was checking us in. Of course, the desk staff doesn’t know who is attached to whom, but they certainly know that we are all four headed to the same room. I’m guessing the amorous behavior in the lobby may have been a tip off. Oh, and the fact we arrived with no luggage.

Being busy professionals, we all know the cost of time wasted, so, of course, the elevator ride was the logical beginning of an erotically eventful night. After taking in some sights of those locals, we all left together after checking in mere hours before. Upon departing, She was unabashed about checking out. I loved it, was so impressed and I took my cues from Her. With all of us still slightly disheveled and still revved on hormones, we availed ourselves of the rehydration station so thoughtfully provided in the lobby. Maybe we weren’t the first ones to use a room there for a few hours that night.

We parted ways on the sidewalk with delicious kisses and biddings of safe travel. It was only after we walked in our separate directions that I felt my face heat and blush. I couldn’t help but giddily squeal, “I can’t believe we made such a scene.” As always, Prof chuckled and said, “It didn’t seem to bother you while you were making out with Him.”

The next night we met the next contingent from the welcome wagon. They had already checked in before they met us in the lobby lounge. After drinks and excellent conversation, we adjourned to an adventurous dinner and then to the swing club. With so much heat in the atmosphere at the awesome club, it’s easy to allow the spark to catch. With that much erotic friction while dancing, the idea of having a place waiting where we could be alone became irresistible.

After an orgasmic cab ride, we stumbled and hugged our way to the elevator, making a scene with the photos to prove it. With our friends pulling out all the stops with their hosting efforts, we couldn’t help but be exceptionally comfortable while sightseeing that night. As time ran short for our friends, we halfheartedly helped them pack, as we didn’t want them to go.

Prof and I checked in with them and decided that we didn’t want to let all the erotic energy left in the room to simply dissipate, so we stayed for a while longer. That led to some kinky play and the loss of an earring. With the appropriate amount of damage done, it was time for us two make our second “walk of shame” of the weekend.

We couldn’t help but laugh as we saw each other arm-in-arm in the mirrors on our way out. We were well beyond salvaging. The sun was starting to peek out, so we figured if we were ever going to venture out looking like we did that was the perfect time to do so. The guy behind the desk did the twenty-first century equivalent of tipping his hat while we walked through the lobby.

We desperately and devilishly look forward to future shameless walks of shame with these incredible hotties! Desire, your fair city or you name the city…we are there!