Wednesday, January 20, 2010

The risks of intellectual foreplay.

One of the great pleasures The Prof and I enjoy about gathering with new sexy friends is the potential for fun, informative and intelligent conversation. We enjoy friends who have a take, who are multifaceted and have a perspective on the world that reaches beyond the bedroom, especially when they are willing to share. The Prof and I have dubbed this exchange "intellectual foreplay."

Many of us get turned on by a hot, sexy mind within a hot, sexy body. For us, it is the penultimate to connect with lovers intellectually as well as carnally. Our desire for intellectual foreplay leads us to appear slow to warm up, perhaps. Really, we are just listening mindfully to the perspectives of potential lovers and allowing the intellectual foreplay to spark a smolder that will indeed ignite fire in the bedroom. That is how we relate to one another, so it is not a surprise that we relate to other potential lovers that way.

The idea of a smart, heated debate about a controversial issue of the day and learning a potential lover's perspective on the world initiates that smolder, but also lends a depth to the erotic connection. The discovery that within that hot body lies a creative photographer, a passionate libertarian or driven environmentalist bolsters chemistry that already exists and prompts an appreciation of the whole person. Not that there is anything wrong with a carnal passion alone, however, The Prof and I find a body and mind connection inspires the most passion.

The Prof and I both seek the multifaceted connection and tend to attract others who do. The tricky part about cultivating a multifaceted connection with lovers is you may likely discover you don't see eye-to-eye on issues you are each passionate about. As I reflect on the passionate conversations I have had with lovers, I do find myself allowing the honorable disagreement over controversial and political issues to creep in. Upon reflection, this leaves me wondering if I am "politickist." Meaning I am discriminating against these lovers based on their political beliefs. Have I come to the place where I declare, "Sorry, I only fuck liberals."?

Is it better to just leave these issues alone? For many people in the Lifestyle, they follow the proven advice for work and family gatherings to simply leave religion and politics out of it. Perhaps, that is the wisest course of action. It certainly takes the chance of fundamental disagreement over important issues off the table. If it is a relationship built on sexual connection, just stick to the sex. Abandon the intellectual foreplay despite the heat it may bring to the relationship.

Interestingly, I am finding my solution is exploring my personal values regarding how I view others and how engaged they are in the wider world. I am finding, although I may be a bit "politickist," I am willing to enjoy the passion gleaned from a heated debate despite which side we each come down upon, within reason, of course. The Prof and I find that the filter of who chooses to join the Lifestyle tends to only allow relatively tolerant people willing to accept that people have the right to live their lives the way they choose--live-and-let-live types.

Passion is passion. The Prof and I choose to honor the passion in our lovers when it is behind a thoughtful position despite the fact that we disagree. We recognize this approach isn't for everyone and is challenging to keep in check sometimes, but the benefit of the rich and passionate relationships outweighs the cost of accepting that there is much diversity of thought in the swingerverse.


  1. great post and thoughts, do you ever worry about getting to know someone too good and it becoming a situation where it's not just about sex and other feelings coming into play that may affect the passion?

    Does that even make sense? I know what I'm trying to say but not sure if I'm saying it the right way.

  2. Yes, it makes perfect sense. The cultural indoctrination we all get in monogamy is not easily shed by everyone--or maybe more specifically, it's not always recognized as a problem. There have been situations where it may start to feel "relationship-y" and in those cases, we've simply discussed the issue with the friends and then stopped being physical if the behavior did not change. It does get tricky because we do seek connections with others where we are also friends, but there is a clear line for us in terms of the emotional side. Our name for it is simply "drama" and we steer clear--way clear.