Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Going Soft?

Ginger and I have always been full swap. Before playing with other couples, we talked about the kinds of experiences would like. At the time Tristan Taormino's book Opening Up didn't exist--such a resource certainly would have helped us have more pointed conversations--but I do believe we would have arrived at the same place, initially at least. We enjoyed the discussions, often meandering ones, and the mix of fantasy and reality...a building of potential energy.

As the conversations intensified and certainly as the actions of "finding" someone became real, we were able to discuss very specifically the kinds of things we liked. For me, the idea of Ginger playing with another woman was equally as hot as the idea of her being serviced by multiple men in the same evening. The former was where we landed, while the latter remains but a fantasy...

As presented in Opening Up, and in our other conversations with friends, we appreciate that everyone chooses their own path. Even without the benefit of any experiences, the idea of full swap was more than titillating...more like exhilarating. Our first foray into non-monogamy, both with a female and then with a couple, reinforced that opening up our relationship was not only greatly satisfying sexually, but continually stimulating to our commitment to each other.

We remain friends with both our first lover--who has gone on to a long term relationship--as well as our first couple, who has been out of the lifestyle now for some time. As our exploration has continued, it has become clear that not all lovers stack up. Not to be too critical or blunt, but in spite of some really great chemistry that we've had with others, we are too often left wondering to ourselves...what happened?

This brings us to the idea of going soft. Why? The number one reason would probably be to eliminate the fucking goal. Literally, the goal of getting to fuck. What's wrong with enjoying the build-up? Putting on some music. Turning down the lights. And not in the name of romance. Think watching. Think real live sex show. That stars your partner. Could it get any hotter?

For us, full swap disappointments have taken on two forms: 1. The inpatient lovers--the bull in the china shop who shoots his load (yes, guys it's mostly you) before things even seem to get started. 2. The neglected lovers--here, think the "am I not enough to get your attention" or the "let's fuck, not watch" kind of attitude. So can going soft be the magic elixir to these ailments?

I must confess that I formerly had the perception that the "soft swap" couples were simply in transition...unable to go "all the way" but still wanting to taste the cherry. Could it be that they had it right all along? They enjoy the best of both worlds: the exploration and the foreplay, and then the experience of their primary lover knowing which buttons to push to send them off into the stratosphere...

Soft swap could connect so well with how Ginger and I enjoy playing with each other. Having a very long buildup, getting close to orgasm--perhaps enjoying a teasing release--and then slowly crescendoing in to a mind-blowing experience. When Ginger and I were with our first lover, I would watch for several hours and not ever be sure as to whether I would be included in the dynamic. It was simply a beautiful thing to watch two female shapes intermingled. There was no rushing. It was never predictable. But it was always hot!

Are these the experiences that we'd be trying to re-create in a soft swap dynamic? Or is it simply the delusions created when one has watched too much of the L-Word? And, perhaps most importantly, how will Ginger get fucked by a covey (or is it a bevy?) of guys that we've been fantasizing about? Soft swap?...only with an edge.

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