OurPorn

Prof and I have a new fun bedtime pastime: browsing porn together. YouPorn makes it so easy to have a broad spectrum of categories and ways to search. We climb into bed with our iPad and let the fun begin! Although I’ve found that what is fun about this pastime is less the porn watching and more the browsing.

I find it completely fascinating watching Prof browse and click and watch and click. Observing what he continues to watch versus what he decides to move away from. Sometimes I start to get into something I find to be super hot that he is not really into and I have to admit I was left hanging.

This interactive porn process has led us to be more open with each other about the nuances of our turn ons, especially about what I find extra naughty. Of course, extra naughty varies from person to person and it is just that knowledge that I have been happy to learn about Prof.

Sometimes it is hard to discuss sex in a vacuum. Don’t get me wrong…we love to talk about sex. We do it all the time. It is just cool to have actual examples of the sexy behaviors right there for us to both watch and then talk about what it is exactly that really gets our juices flowing.

I also love to watch Prof get turned on, to go from 0 to 105 in 2 seconds flat. It’s funny to be browsing clips that don’t hit the mark and then be roughly seduced by some surprising scenario. This happened the other night when we were clicking and clicking and landed watching a blonde women and four men. It started with her on one couch masturbating and all the guys on another big couch watching her. It was hot to watch her play to them and to make them wait! Anticipation is porn is so rare.

It was impossible to not to put myself in her position as that is where my fantasies have taken me lately. Of course, after we watched we ran with it during our fantasy talk and there easily could have been three other men there it felt so realistic in my mind. Watching the clip perhaps put me one step closer to fulfilling the fantasy. And I know for certain Prof is on board to watch or participate in such hotness.

We have been having such fun with it and learning about each other’s deeper fantasies to boot. Give it a try! We’d love to hear what you think.

The Very Blind Date

Like many swingers, Ginger and I started exploring the potential for meeting others online. We actually started on Craigslist--we'd like to believe before it was considered too seedy, but in reality we didn't have a clue. With total dumb luck, we met a sexy, intelligent woman that we shared much with over the course of a couple of years.

Easy right? Not so fast...

We started exploring other sites to meet couples, initially as a threesome and then as a couple ourselves after she partnered. The first thing that struck us is how difficult it is to actually MEET couples on some of the sites. Admittedly our initial threshold is high--that is if correct spelling, grammar, and some tasteful pictures are included. Much like when you meet someone in person and you get a first impression for how they carry themselves, the online profile offers much insight...maybe people with sloppy profiles are amazing fucks, but it just doesn't send a lot of confidence our way.

The second thing we discovered (and continue to struggle with) is that it takes a lot of time to maintain your online profile, pictures, and messages. In the times that we've gotten busy, it atrophies--like the muscle that doesn't get used, it is pretty much useless. We are both organized professionals and keeping straight with the online activity taxes our capabilities. It's not that the volume is so enormous...it's the strategy of knowing who you really want to meet and how to keep the connection open in the midst of the real life constraints.

This past weekend we had the chance to connect with a couple online. It all happened pretty much at the last minute and we decided to be opportunistic. We discussed a time, a place...and as we are on the way, Ginger asks "What are their names?" Er, baby, I forgot to get that information.

We met at a bar in town. Ginger and I got there first and texted our specific table location. Then we waited. Would they show? Would they be our style? Could they hold a conversation?

Then, the cutest couple that had come through the door all night walked over to introduce themselves (which got strange looks from the couples nearby: "Why are they meeting for drinks if they don't know each other?"). The conversation was excellent. First it was one drink and then another. They stayed well beyond their intended time frame, but we knew that it was going to have to be an early night due to circumstances. YES! Our faith in online dating restored.

If you've ever golfed, this is like the one good shot that erases all the frustrations from before. We will always prefer to meet people in person at parties or on vacation, but it is easier to redouble online efforts knowing there are some good matches out there.

Are You Connected?

Ginger and I just returned from our pilgrimage to Desire. Reentry to normal life can be a jolt. The issue of wearing clothes is obvious, though there is not much sexy about naked New Englanders milling about outside during the cold spring months. Other differences are more subtle. Paying attention to these helps us create a "new normal"—that is, if we hold on and refuse to fall back to our old patterns.

I travel extensively for work. For me, travel is often an issue of energy conservation—I try to get from point A to point B with as much left in the tank as possible. Getting ready for a week at Desire required even more time on the road, right up to and including the day before the trip. Ginger and I talked sporadically over this time. We didn’t have much sex. Other than the concern that she may spontaneously combust without a regular release of erotic energy, we trust the ebb and flow knowing full well that these disruptions aren’t a sign of something wrong between us.

On the flight down to Cancun, I defaulted to my normal work mode paying scarce attention to the sexy woman next to me. I could blame it on the airplane WiFi. I could say I had to make sure everything was alright back at the office before heading out of town. There are lots of things I could tell myself, but in reality, it was a choice.

Fast forwarding past all the juicy details of our amazing trip (more forthcoming, we promise), Ginger and I didn’t stop talking with one another on the way home and all evening. We relived experiences. We made plans. We laughed. We cried. It was better than Cats.

The opportunities to invest our energy are endless. This is even more true as we become more connected virtually—not even the airplane is a reprieve from the outside world if you fork over the 10 bucks for a WiFi connection. The question is this: are these productive connections? Do they invigorate and refresh you with energy? Or are they sucking you dry? Where we connect is a choice. We may not be able to extricate ourselves immediately from non-productive choices, but my guess there are some immediate steps that move you in the right direction. I know there are for me.

For starters, where there is a hot woman sitting next to me on the plane, I commit to flirt and build the erotic connection—not with an expectation to “get laid” but instead in pure enjoyment of how that energy itself makes me happy. That should help the next million miles go by much more enjoyably.

Connecting with Ginger is—I don’t know how else to say this—it is an experience. She is a force of nature in all the best ways. Intelligent. Thoughtful. Focused. And sexually, she can overwhelm before even getting revved up fully. We always bring our A-game together. I ask myself: Do I really have to unplug from all the energy she brings to my life?

Vacations are often described as “recharging your batteries”. The problem is, these proverbial batteries are too easy to get depleted. How long does the vacation bump usually last? A day? The first hour back in the office? Batteries are, by definition, a disconnection.

I’m no longer going on battery. I’m staying connected—albeit, with a very long cord at times, but connected nonetheless.

So...where are you going?

As Prof and I are about to embark on what is officially the fourth sexy vacation of our open relationship, I'm reflecting on the experience and how it has evolved over the years. All three vacations so far have been rousing and arousing, crazy, wild days and nights full of non-stop fun, laughter and, of course, debauchery and hedonism.

We have met hotties on vacation that we still stay in touch with and get to, ahem, hang out with on occasion. And certainly, we make no secret about the fact that our fellow Swingercast groupies make pretty rocking Desire compatriots. After last year's trip we feel like we have the proverbial "girl in every port" except it might be a guy...or a couple...or couples. You get my drift. Regardless of which metropolitan area we might need to visit for business or pleasure, we are likely to be able to score a dinner date with fabulous local hosts.

Planning for this year's trip we feel like we are the seasoned, experienced members passing along helpful hints and calming the nerves of the newly naked. In preparing for the trip, even packing was an entertaining and fun experience itself. Gathering the teeny tiny bikinis, sheer sarongs, fetish wear, sex toys and naughty props is an integral part of the anticipation.

We will do our best to keep our clothes on until the doorstep of Desire. After that, any expectations of responsibility or moderation are frowned upon and generally misguided. We turn our attention to focusing on pleasure, making new friends, pleasure, catching up with old friends, pleasure, participating in all the craziness on the itinerary and some more pleasure.

I like to think of sexy vacations as returning to our natural habitat. Even though we do indulge in the occasional overnight dates throughout the year, having a week or longer to decompress and acclimate to our natural swinger schedule and activities without any other responsibilities is priceless.

This trip we are anticipating that it will be the smoothest and quickest transition yet into our swinger-in-the-wild behavior and mindset. It is truly comforting, as we have written about before, to enjoy a long stretch of nakedness and sexiness among likeminded friends. There is nothing to compare to the liberation of authentic and uncensored social and sexual experiences.

Over time the experience has evolved and it only seems to improve every trip. The one thing that hasn't changed is the delicate and skilled bob and weave of answering the inevitable question: "So...where are you going?" Thus far, we have done our best to answer using multiple strategies:

1. The Non-Answer: "Oh, you know, just anywhere there is a great beach and a drink in my hand."

2. The Vagary: "Just headed somewhere warm for a stretch."

3. The Redirect: "Looking forward to getting away for a while. Where did you go on your last vacation? Oh, and check out the bright, shiny object!"

4. The Clueless Partner: "You know, the Mexican Riviera somewhere. Prof did all the planning."

5. The Circular Logic: "Oh, that great place we went last year. We are headed there again." (Recommended to be closely followed by the Redirect.)

As we do our best to be productive in these last few days before flying off to paradise, we wish you luck in any evasive action and tempering of enthusiasm in front of vanillas you may have to do before your next (or first) sexy vacation. And whatever you do don't let them look in your suitcase!

Supporting Friends

We feel compelled to post a blog in the wake of the most recent Swingset episode in which Cooper and Marilyn joined the Sex is Fun crew for their trip to Desire. We're so happy everybody had a fantastic time. That is what Desire is all about!

In the lead up to the trip, friends who are all part of this diverse community that is open relationships had an open dialogue in the Twitterverse in which they disagreed. In episode 31 of Swingset, the issue is discussed again. Prof and I respect everyone's right to their own opinions and everyone's right to choose where and how they make, what really amount to, political statements.

Prof and I are supportive of intelligent, measured, respectful dialogue about important issues. We do believe, however, that the most important aspect is remembering that we are all part of a community that just by its nature can be a challenging place to reside. With that said, we believe that allowing everyone their space for their own views as well as their own ways in which to handle how and when they express them is simply respecting them as human.

There is certainly a time and place for evolved discourse on political issues. For us, we choose to live that day in and day out in our lives at home. Those few days a year at Desire are our time to unplug completely in every way.

Ultimately, Prof and I are counting the days until we can gather with John and Allie and the Swingercast groupies at Desire, a place of utter relaxation and pleasure for us. We choose to take that time for ourselves to celebrate our own relationship and enjoy ourselves with other fascinating and diverse friends. We are grateful for all of our friends and do our best to support them in their journeys as best we can.

Thank you for indulging our little public service announcement. Now back to our regularly scheduled sexy programming.

Phuck Pharma!

From the Desk of the Professor:

Phuck pharma.

Female sexual dysfunction? The disease created by pharma for pharma’s benefit.

Instead of rooting out cultural messages that fuck up women’s minds about their own selves as sexual beings. Instead of providing education for women to know how to accept pleasure. Instead of using the energies from their own bodies and that of their partners. Let’s create a pill. And then let’s put prominent sex educators on the dole to go out and start to create a market. Fuck you too Drs. Laura and Jennifer Berman. You are now officially unfollowed off our Twitter feed. Peddle your wares somewheres else.

The clamor to create an effective "Pink Viagra" is disturbing on so many levels. At the top of this list is a dirty little secret: this pill isn’t even being designed for the benefit of women. Think about it—who benefits from the pill most? Men. Yes, this pill is designed for the benefit of men to be administered to women. Our poor male egos are so fragile and damaged from partners that fake orgasm or aren’t ready when WE want it or (insert any other reason). So make no mistake that this will be big business because the men who created it will be marketing it to the men who want it administered in large doses to their partners. Sorry, ladies. You just end up being kind of like a nice, warm blow up doll in this equation.

The documentary Orgasm Inc (@orgasm_inc) exploits the drug industry for what they are and for the carnage they have already created (see Time article “Warning: Orgasm Inc. Will Leave You Hot and Bothered”). Unfortunately, a good documentary is a small defense against the billion dollar marketing machine that is big pharma.

Ok, deep breath.

Yes, I’m ranting like a second-wave feminist. Perhaps it’s the lesbian trapped in my male body aching to get released.

What really riles me up more than anything is the hypocrisy. Selling sex in a pill (or a couple of pills if the dude needs some help too) is ok but only within a sex-negative cultural framework. If I choose a loving, open relationship with my partner, then I am a freak. But if I choose to medicate my wife with desire, it’s perfectly acceptable. If I like and desire sex a lot and with multiple partners, then I will be considered a sex addict. But if a pill from my doctor helps me like and desire sex, then it’s ok.

I was recently talking to a very sexy and very vivacious woman. It was in a work environment, but there was clearly chemistry between us. She was telling me about her background and after some time, disclosed some health problems she had in her past. Serious health problems—she was on the list for a heart transplant. Then, she said “fuck this” (an expression not often used in a business conversation) and decided her health issues were mind over matter. She weaned herself off the meds and has been healthy ever since. And my guess from my swing-dar is that her sex life is very active. From transplant list to healthy is some seriously strong energy. And the irony is, she attributed her health problems to her training as a nurse. She had bought into the mindset that drugs would solve her problems. Yet each step in the medical process made her sicker. From general malaise to transplant list. Until she decided to take control.

Anyone REALLY think a desire pill for women is the answer?

This past year I trained as a level one Reiki practitioner. Energy is an amazing thing. It’s infinite. And we have the capacity to create it and share it as much as we want. No dysfunction necessary to get diagnosed. No pills needed. I’m inspired to teach others and share the love and abundance of energy we have inside of ourselves and all around us. It's open-source and not proprietary. Not even a placebo pill is necessary. In the words of Christopher Ryan, co-author of Sex At Dawn (@sexatdawn), sexual energy is like oxygen...there is as much as we need to fulfill all our desires.

Deep breath...ahhhhhh!

You can only try so hard.

Prof and I just can't seem to score a date these days. Don't get me wrong...we have lots of sexy friends and many new friends we are looking forward to meeting for the first time in person, but we can't seem to coordinate schedules to the point of actually going out on a date!

It really is at the point that we are flabbergasted, both of us. Even tonight, (I'm writing on a late Saturday afternoon) we had a date tonight. We were ready to rock. So very ready to hang out with some amazing and hot friends. And, alas, fate has intervened and they can't make it out tonight. (Sigh.)

So here we are again, it's Saturday night, and as much as we absolutely love spending time together alone over a delicious dinner having excellent conversation, we have done a lot of that lately. We are ready for a date! You know, the kind with another couple, when you're chatting and getting to know one another, and flirting even! I believe I'm at risk of actually forgetting how to flirt with someone other than Prof because it feels like it has been so long.

If we were lesser experienced in the couples' dating scene, I might internalize this date drought and think it has something to with us. But I know better. What I do know from years of dating is opportunity ebbs and flows. Despite the fact that we haven't had a date work out lately, a few months ago we had wild weekends in Chicago and Atlanta and a few weeks ago we had one night with three separate propositions for fun, but we had vanilla plans that were the priority.

We do have an awesome party and the fantastic trip to Desire (which we mention so often in the blog because it is indeed that amazing) on the horizon. We are also planning a hotel party with lots of hotties and are hoping friends will make sure to put it on their schedules well in advance so they can make it for sure. Sometimes all it takes is getting a little perspective.

It is about that time that I start getting sexied up for our date tonight, so I'm going to wrap up here. We will be headed out just the two of us tonight. Of course, there is certainly always the possibility for mischief when Prof and I head out. It may be that we still hear last minute from some hotties that can meet us out. And if not, tonight will still be fun, delicious and satisfying, because with us there is no consolation prize. I get to go home with Prof at the end of the night and that is as hot as it gets!