Saturday, December 24, 2011

Sexy Is As Sexy Does

Sexy is defined by what we control, not by our natural "assets." When I think about what attracts me to someone else, it exclusively relates to the things that someone does, whether it's part of what they do regularly--exercise, eating right, reading, or their style, for example--or whether it is something one does in the interaction that made an impression--a touch, smile, a laugh or a verbal game of banter.

Most people obsess about the things that they can't control. I'm too tall/short, big/small, curvy/skinny, pale/dark. The list is endless. Problem is, they've got it all backwards. Focusing on these things keeps our minds distracted from the things that really make us sexy: attitude, appearance, and attention.

Ever seen someone across the room and thought they were the hottest person you've ever seen, only to meet them later and find them a dud? I have.

Ever started interacting with someone and found yourself wondering how this hottie had evaded your detection until now? Or being wildly turned on by someone that isn't in your "type" after you met them? Numerous times on both accounts.

Let's distinguish here between the eye-candy concept of sexy versus the I-want-to-fuck-you-like-an-animal kind of sexy. I'd argue that the former is not only superficial, but also a mostly vanilla concept. Appreciating the physical appearance of another person is the most a vanilla person will indulge him/herself--that image is all that is needed for the satisfaction. But the swinging crew needs much more to find satisfaction because it's infinitely more possible that they'll find themselves post-orgasmic and spent next to the person. And no amount of eye candy can overcome the awkwardness of trying to fill those empty conversational spaces when the other person is simply an empty vessel.


By far, the most important part of sexy for me is attitude. Shy or outgoing? Doesn't matter to me, but when we engage, I'd like to see that you are comfortable in your own skin. Do you know what you like? Do you accentuate the things you like about yourself? Are you cheerful? Do you have a take (a.k.a, opinion)? Willing to engage in some intellectual foreplay, debating @Sexatdawn or the latest Savage Love advice?

Ginger and I have some friends we consider to be very dear to us. We've played with them more times than I've counted and it's always a great time. We have great chemistry and often hang at our club parties as four. In spite of all that history and chemistry, this last Halloween party we were hanging out at the hotel chatting with a bunch of couples after dancing at the club. The Mrs. sat down on the floor and started whining about being tired. SO NOT SEXY. That was enough to turn me off for the night...Ginger and I played alone that evening. Do I still think she is hot? Absolutely. But whining surely is not sexy.


The most important thing about appearance is cleanliness. I know it may seem like a given, but it's surprising how many people overlook the basic steps. I also look for someone that is healthy--not a size or body shape--but someone that demonstrates that they take care of themselves. I've met curvy women that do triathlons (hot!) and petite women that smoke like chimneys (not!). Eat right, do yoga, read Four Hour Body...just do something that shows you care about yourself and your appearance. Finally, I really enjoy a sense of style. Sometimes the itty-bitty costumes can convey style, but sometimes it looks like they are just trying too hard. How about something that is suggestive and revealing, yet leaves something to the imagination, or better yet, leaves something for my later discovery? Now we're talking!


I'll keep this short: if you are interested in a connection with me, don't give me the "look-past." By this I mean the darting eyes and scanning of the room during a conversation. It's really pretty simple. If you're in a conversation with me, then BE in a conversation with me. Engage. On the other hand, If you'd like to check around and see who else is at the party, then by all means, feel free to do so. Never been offended by someone that has excused themselves from a conversation for ANY reason. Mingling. That's why they call it a party. The problem for me comes when you're in a conversation with me and mingling with your eyes. This says to me: "I am looking for a better option and will only stay in this conversation until I find one." I'll be all alpha here: I'm not a consolation prize.

So get your sexy on...own it, do it. Focus on your attitude, your appearance, your attention. Let go of all the other things you don't control. Then try it out. Or better yet, try it out on me. Find me on Twitter, on chat, at Desire (twice in 2012!), or at a club near you.

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